Getting my groove back......sorta....

Well, at least I'm trying to get my groove back. The mood is improving, although it's still not where it needs to be. I still have some stuff to work out within my own mind about various things, but the darkness is starting to lift. Just in time for another round of PMS in about a week or so! Yay me! LOL

So I went to Interval class yesterday - lifting the weights and doing the stretchy band really fatigued my muscles, and this was after trying N.O.Xplode (a drink that's supposed to help you last longer and have more stamina during your workouts). I'm thinking maybe I need to start the glucosamine supplements to help my muscles and joints repair themselves easier, but who knows.

I did a double dose of the N.O.Xplode today (canister says to do that, to assess your tolerance for it), and still didn't really feel much from it. I walked a mile in 19 minutes (I know, not real fast but I didn't want to wear myself out before the Power class), then I did the Power class. My muscles didn't seem to fatigue as quickly tonight as they did last night, although they were getting tired more quickly than they were oh say, a month ago. Not sure what's up with that but am gonna keep pushing through it. I definitely feel the workout tonight - the shower will be most welcome to relax my muscles and I'm sure it won't take long to be out like a light when I hit the bed (as if that's ever a problem!)

I also got me some niacin, 500mg tablets. It's supposed to help with lowering cholesterol. I'm already taking the fish oil pills which is supposed to help, so maybe between the 2, and watching what I eat, it will come down to an acceptable level. I was worried the niacin will give me those damn inferno hot flashes (I had previously taken Niaspan, which is the presciption form of the niacin 500mg and OMFG I thought I was gonna die one night from the heat that my body experienced), but the ones I got are supposed to be "non-flush" tablets, which won't cause hot flashes.

I bought myself some kickass boots for Christmas. Not sure if I wanna post the pictures of them or not, but they are HOT!!! I can't wait to wear them!!!

And I bought myself a new vacuum with some of the Christmas money that my family sent me. It's one of those that's supposed to work really well to get up pet hair and dander, so if it works as well as it says on the box, it will come in handy with the pups. I tested it out in the computer room - there's plenty of dog hair in there, and it seems to have worked pretty well. It's a bagless vacuum, and after vacuuming just half the room, I've had to empty the canister twice! And the carpet looks GREAT!

I thought of an ingenious way to clean the snake tank out, without having to try to move it, lift it, etc. - SHOP VAC!!! I can scoop out the stuff the vac won't get, then suck out the bedding material with the shop vac. Technically, I could do this with the snake still in the tank, but I think I will try my hand at actually taking her out and putting her in the tub for a swim.

The drama is continuing with my grandmother. Not sharing more details, but please, if you're the praying kind - please pray for her, and for the family. Today was a rough day for the family, with a situation she created, and I'm not sure how we are going to resolve this. I had a mini-meltdown at work today because of what was going on, and I just can't be doing that.

Never have I had as many meltdowns at work, as I have had in the past 6 months! Between drama with Michael, Meme, the deployment, and other situations, I just don't know how much more I can take! I had a warm, feel-good meltdown last week when I got the flowers that Brian had delivered to the office. They were so beautiful - 2 dozen red roses, with Lindt truffles and a teddy bear. I wish they would last forever.....

Other than missing my husband and my mother something terrible at Christmas, it was a pretty good weekend. I wish they both could have been there with us, I know Brian would have really enjoyed the dinner my grandmother cooked.

Steven and I are supposed to go to the lake this weekend for new year's, but after today's events with Meme, I just don't know if I'm up for going and dealing with more possible drama if she goes as well. I guess I'll have to wait and see if she still goes, and make a decision from there.

Well, folks, it's 11pm, or very close to it, and I hear the shower calling my name! I hope you all had a fantastically merry Christmas, and are having a stellar week so far.

I can't believe tomorrow's Christmas!

It just doesn't seem like it, doesn't feel like it. I've been in a real funk the last few weeks for several different reasons. One being that my family is not complete at what is supposed to be a joyous time of year - my mother and her husband are in England, and my husband is deployed in a far away land overseas. Another being the drama with my grandmother. A third being that my best friend and I are still not back to where we used to be. And lastly, something that I found out about a few weeks ago that really didn't set well with me, for which I will not go into details about.

Of course there's nothing I can do about my mom, her husband, or Brian being here. They are where they are, and that's it.

As for my grandmother - this is going to be a family affair, which I imagine we will have to start dealing with sooner rather than later. Again, I don't want to go into a lot of details about it, but it's really, really hard. Today made me realize just how hard this is going to be. I had no idea what to expect, but fortunately I know a few people that have experienced what we will be going through, so at least I will have some folks I can go to for advice.

My best friend - still don't know what I'm going to do about that one. We have talked some on and off since November, but the more I think about what all caused our falling out back in June, and the fact that he STILL hasn't apologized, makes me very angry. I imagine I should forgive and move on, but that's just it - I've forgiven, but I'm having a hard time moving on without some sort of resolution. Even when I've mentioned similar situations to him and how important I feel apologies are necessary, he doesn't take the hint. And no, I haven't come right out and told him that I feel he still owes me an apology - I feel like I have to tell him, that any apology he gives would just be out of obligation to make me happy, not because he truly means it.

The last situation - while I won't be giving details, I can say that it's been resolved. It took some talking through, which has made me feel 100% better about the whole deal. I've been in a true, deep funk over this situation, but after finishing the conversation about it yesterday, it was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

Oh, and there's one more thing that's had me down - I always get the blues during the holidays. I don't know what it is, I've heard it's fairly common though. It's never mattered what was going on at the holidays, whether life was good, boring, exciting, happy, or whatever - Christmas-time has just always been hard for me. I know in years past, I couldn't wait to get home after celebrating with family, or be alone when I lived with family, to mope, sulk and sometimes even cry. It's never had anything to do with gifts, spats, or anything that I can even put my finger on. I just get incredibly sad at times after celebrating with family.

And now that I don't have my husband here to keep me happy in person, I have to rely on him to do it via Skype or messenger.

One last reason that it doesn't seem like Christmas - the WEATHER!!!! No, I don't ever expect a white Christmas (although we did get one last year!), I do expect it to be at least somewhat cold. And it's not cold this year. Today was probably in the high 50's somewhere, I don't know exactly I just know that I was quite comfortable in a long sleeve tshirt and jeans.

Anyway, folks, I hope you all are enjoying your Christmas Eve, and that each and every one of you has a wonderful, joyous, and Merry Christmas!!!

About at my wits' end......

No, I'm not going into much details, other than to say my grandmother is at it again. I don't know how much more of this I can take before I snap at her about this silliness. I know she can't help it, it's part of the aging process and she's obviously going down the road with dementia, but OMG this is just insane.

I have been trying to move myself away from drama queens over the past year, and unfortunately drama still seems to find me. I honestly have made an effort to mind my own business for the most part, as much as I possibly can, but some people just want to keep trying to draw me into their own drama-filled lives and situations. From people reading things I write online and taking them out of context and/or interpreting them totally whack compared to how what I've written is meant, to people trying to draw me into situations that I don't want, need, or belong in, to people just over-reacting to things in their own lives because they can't see that they need to makes changes within themselves.

These situations sometimes just make me want to close everyone out of my life, except for my husband and my son. I'm just so tired of dealing with everyone else that I deal with on a regular basis - it really is a drag having to listen to the latest "guess what's missing from my place" story, or hearing the same historical recollection over and over ad nauseum.

I value my friends and family, and love them all, but dammit I think I need a break sometimes. I emailed my mom this morning, telling her I'm feeling pretty down lately, because she and Brian aren't here for Christmas, and because I just always seem to get the "Christmas blues". It's not something I can explain - regardless of how great my life may be going around the holidays, I always start sinking into a funk. Of course when there's a lot of bullshit drama around the holidays, the funk goes even deeper. Her solution? "just pull yourself out of it" As if it was that easy.

I know I've posted before that happiness is a choice, and to a great extent it is. It's just so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when people are constantly doind stupid shit to dim the bulb! But seriously, it's hard to choose to be happy when so many things are in limbo, without a satisfactory resolution, or still in the process of being resolved.

Going to the gym is the one thing I have to look forward to right now, even though I really kind of hate it. Oh, who am I kidding - I despise exercise with a deep passion. But, I know it makes me feel better once I get started with it. I usually have to concentrate when I'm in class, especially the interval and step classes, so it doesn't give me the opportunity to dwell on the things that are bothering me. I hate that I missed the gym tonight - I'd been planning on the double classes that I did last Thursday, but the weather was really bad and I didn't want Steven home alone in case we got tornados - I wanted to be there in case we needed to get out and go to Mom's house to weather the storm. Luckily that wasn't necessary, but I missed class. :(

I've got to get myself back on a normal sleep schedule, too. I'm sure cheating myself out of a full night's sleep doesn't do my mental and emotional state any good either. I'm already tired all the time under normal circumstances, I don't need to make it worse by cheating myself out of sleep.

Okay folks, I need to shower and make myself go to bed. Just needed to vent tonight, and thanks for reading. And thanks for going back and reading the old shit, back to the beginning, as some of you have done recently.

Not getting anywhere....

Thought I was digging my way out of this darkness, but alas I am not. Just when I think I'm starting to climb out of it, I get sucked back down into it. Some of my issues were partially resolved today, but there's still a ways to go with it, and honestly it's just not an easy journey but I will get there.

I really wanted to get my house cleaned today and all my laundry done, but here it is, 11:39pm, and I've still got at least 4 loads of laundry to finish and I didn't even get the floors vacuumed. I know, I know, I have a 16 year old that is perfectly capable of assisting me, and I think I will pawn the vacuuming off on him tomorrow. (I don't trust him with laundry just yet, at least not on anything that can shrink or color-fade). But I'm determined to run the steam cleaner tonight before I go to bed. Guess I should get on it.

So tired of this.....

Yep, the sinus/cold/bronchitis/wtf ever it is, is back. With a vengeance. I got up with a touch of sore throat Wednesday, horrible sneezing fits, stuffy sinuses, and it just seems to be getting worse. Been self-medicating with the sudafed day and the maximum strength sudafed at night, plus mucinex, neti pot, zyrtec and ibuprofen. All that in conjunction with the 2 blood pressure pills, 3 fish oil pills, 1 acidophillis/lactobacillus, and a multi-vitamin.

I managed to have a good day earlier today - took my dear sweet mother-in-law to lunch at Longhorn in Carrollton. Great food, and even better company! I had a great visit with her - she is a sweet woman.

I'm finished Christmas shopping! Yay!!!

Digging my way out.....

Very slowly, digging my way out of this funk I've been in the past week. The hormones are slowly easing up, making it a little easier for this mood to lift. So many things have transpired recently, so many hurt feelings, such tension and anxiety.

I've been trying to wokr off some of the anxiety and stress at the gym. I think that I'm going to start going every day, even if it's just to walk on the treadmill for a bit. Getting out, moving around, makes me feel a little better, plus it helps me to keep my mind off the things that are weighing it down so much.

Tonight I worked legs after the treadmill - I'm afraid of how they will feel when I get up tomorrow, as I worked them pretty hard, with heavier weight than I remember using before. When I was finished, my legs felt like they were filled with cement. I sat down at the smoothie bar with Steven, and as I was stretching my legs out, Les, the instructor for Power class, approached and asked if we were staying. I told him no, I'd done enough to my legs, that I'd never get through the lunge and squat tracks tonight, and he laughed and said well there's 9 tracks in the class and only 2 are for legs. I'm like - yeah, but they're the longest 2 tracks and I don't even trust my legs to get me to my car tonight, neverthelss to actually do an hour of power class! LOL

The legs have loosened up some, and I'm gonna hit the ibuprofen tonight after my shower, so that I have a little preventive measure going into the night and hopefully will wake up with minimal soreness. I'm glad that interval class isn't tomorrow, as I feel pretty sure that my legs wouldn't be able to handle the step. I'm hoping I'll be good to go on Thursday for the interval class - I love that class, as it combines the cardio with some strength training.

Well folks, it's shower time, then bedtime. I'm already up too late as it is. I managed to nap a little bit earlier, but that's not good for my sleep habits. I've been so very tired lately - that's what happens when I'm stressed and upset about things. I sleep - a LOT - when I'm going through emotional turmoil. I basically just shut down, and only function at the absolute bare minimum I have to just to get by.

It's a mircale I'm finding it in me to go to the gym, but I suppose I'm sticking with it because I have certain goals to reach by the spring, and sitting on my ass at home, pouting and sleeping all the time, is not going to get me there.

Happy hump day people - I hope you all have a good one.

Lazy weekend.......

Didn't get much done this weekend. Got a little tiny bit of Christmas shopping finished, but hopefully will get it finished this week.

I've just not been feeling like doing much of anything for the past week or so. My hormones are wreaking havoc on me, and there's been some stuff going on in my personal life that is just making life hell lately.

I managed to enjoy Friday night's game, other than Steven's school lost the game. That, and someone I'm no longer friends with decided to cop an attitude with me via text. Whatever - I have my own shit to deal with, without trying to help him fix his problems or even bother listening to them.

Today has been a lay around the house and do absolutely nothing day. Well, that's not entirely true - I did managed to do a couple of loads of laundry, and do my nails.

Here's to another week of life. I hope everyone has a great one.

Sinking.......

Sinking slowly into the depths,
the deep, dark depths of depression.
It's a place I'm all too familiar with,
a place I loathe to visit.

It seems that it comes every year,
during the cold, dark months of winter.
It doesn't matter what's going on in my life at the time,
whether things are going badly, or are going well,
I still manage to sink into the hell of depression.


I wrote that on my old Myspace blog back in January 2010. Still applies today. Doesn't help that not only are the seasons against me, but so are my hormones and some personal issues that I won't go into.

Just having a rough week, and today isn't any better, other than I'm relieved it's Friday, and will try to perk up for my son's high school state championship football game tonight. I guess I'll just throw myself into the spirit of the game and try to enjoy the game as well as the band's performance - it will be my son's first marching band performance that he's participated in, so it will be interesting. I will try to take pictures and maybe a little video and post it later.

I have a lot I want to accomplish this weekend, I hope I find the motivation within to get it done. Sinking into the abyss tends to suck all of my motivation away, so I'm going to have to work extra hard to get it back.

May you all enjoy your weekend.....I'll try to enjoy mine......

Been a rough week.....

Yep, PMS week. And it's a BAD one, hormonally speaking. Got a recommendation from a friend to try valerian, so I need to go by the Vitamin Shoppe tomorrow and pick some up. Supposed to be the root of valium, but is herbal and all natural and very mild in comparison to the prescription.

I think, for the most part, I have managed quite nicely to not be a total bitch so far. There have been times I have wanted to lash out for various reasons, but I didn't. Wanted to toss the check printer in the parking lot and set it afire, but didn't. Would have been nice, too, for the warmth that would have provided. LOL

All I want for Christmas at work is equipment that works. EVERY DAY!!!

Having a hard time dealing with things with Brian not here. Got a lot going on, and this doing shit by myself is getting old. I can't wait to see him on his leave next year, and when he comes home.

Anyway, enough of the pity party for myself. Gonna quit, before I wallow in sorrow.

Bah Hum Bug

I was so resolved to NOT decorate for Christmas. I've just not been feeling "in the spirit" lately. And I hate having to drag all that crap out of the shed, into the house, go through it and decorate, only to have to undecorate after Christmas and drag all the crap back outside. Plus, I have no idea how Gabriel will react to the tree. Dominion didn't bother it last year, but Gabriel is a puppy and bothers EVERYTHING. Steven started out having the same reservations about decorating that I've had, but after shopping together yesterday, I think we've both changed our minds. I imagine I will find out just how much he wants to decorate when he gets up and I ask him to help me drag everything in from the shed. LOL

I was awakened this morning by Gabriel jumping on and off the bed, and each time he would do it, he would straddle his body over mine sideways, and rest there for a minute, with his full weight (44lbs when we weighed him last week) resting on top of me. He is so loving, just like Dominion - he would lay right up next to me, his head on my shoulder, and snuggle up, and if Dominion tried to get close, he'd get jealous and bite at my hand and paw at me to try to make sure I was only petting him.

Then he decided to treat my belly like a trampoline, jumping directly on my stomach when he would jump on or off the bed. A 44 pound dog is pretty heavy, to have jumping on your stomach. Now he's already worn out, napping on the floor behind me.

I got started on my Christmas shopping yesterday - still have a long way to go to get everyone's done. I don't always have an easy time buying gifts for people, unless I have a list, then it's easy. Steven has posted his list on Facebook, which only a couple of family members are on his friends list, and would be able to see it. I've got a few ideas on what to get for him, but have no clue what to get for other family members.

The dentist appointment on Friday was uneventful, except for the fact that I was there from 8:45am until almost 2pm. She had an emergency appointment come in that she had to deal with before me (my appointment was at 9am), so she didn't get started with me until 10am. No pain from the procedures, and now I have my temporary crowns and am awaiting the permanent ones to be made and arrive at her office.

Steven actually asked me yesterday to make some fudge for him for Christmas, since his New-nee (my mom) isn't here to make it. She made some when she was home for Thanksgiving, but of course that's long gone by now. I bought what I needed yesterday to make some for him, but I may wait til next weekend to make it, so that it's a little closer to Christmas.

OMG I am so SICK of the "Trojan Vibrations" commercial! It has to be one of the most idiotic commercials EVER. Loving it! NOT!!!!!! lol

Just checked out the movie listings for our local theatres - not a thing I'd be interested in sitting through today.

Wow, I wish there was a house cleaning fairy! I am really not looking forward to cleaning house today. It's amazing how cluttered things get in a week (and Brian - don't you say a word about that!!!) Oh well, guess I should get off my butt and get started. Have a great Sunday!

Another Friday.....

....and another visit to the dentist. Today is crown prep and impressions to get the crowns made. I have no idea how long this visit will last, and I didn't take the valium this time. I'm supposed to be going to work, then the gym and shopping afterwards tonight, and valium makes me sleepier as the day drags on, so I skipped it this time. I can tell. Not a good feeling to have, 30 minutes before a dentist appointment.

I haven't written this week because I just haven't felt like it. I don't feel bad physically, and not in a bad place emotionally, just haven't felt like concentrating enough to type out a coherent blog entry.

There's been a lot of fun stuff this week - Gabriel has run from his own butt one morning (upset tummy and apparently it must have hurt him to go potty). I discovered last night that Gabriel gags after a barking jag which I find hysterically funny. I also discovered last night that Dominion has a few cracked nails, one of which apparently bled a little. Steven swears he knows nothing about what happened to him, and I have no idea either, so maybe it's just some kind of freak accident. His nails are getting a little long, so I suppose I should try to clip them and maybe that will help keep him from breaking any more.

I clipped the fur from both of the dogs' toe pads - they go skidding through the kitchen so badly when they run through there, and Dominion doesn't even like walking in the kitchen when the hair on his feet gets so long and thick. Gabriel acted like I was trying to cut his feet off, Dominion just laid there and let me do it, but did try to half-heartedly hide his feet.

I made it to the gym on Tuesday (power class), Wednesday was a freebie day that we spent on treadmills and machines, and I went to interval yesterday. I'm planning on going to the step class today, and interval again in the morning. I took my measurements the other night - holy hell I was not pleased. Although I do know I've come a long way, and I'd hate to see what the measurements were even a year ago. But at least now I know what I'm dealing with, as measurements are more important than the #'s on the scale.

Gonna do some Christmas shopping tonight after the gym, and have dinner with Missy tomorrow night and maybe do a little more shopping after dinner.

Well that's all that's been going on in my exciting life - other than I've gotten to skype with my husband some over the last week! Yay!!!! Seeing him just made me miss him even more, but I know this won't last forever and he'll be home before I know it. At least, I keep telling myself that because that's what everyone else says about deployment. A bunch of bullshit if you ask me - my days seem to drag on and on and on sometimes, but I know, eventually, he will be home from this and life will go on.

Anyways - happy Friday to you all! And have a great weekend!!!!!