Celebrations and Frustrations

 I'll start with the celebrations - tomorrow marks 1 year since my last chemo!  Woot woot yeah!  It kinda snuck up on me this week, but how could I ever forget.  I used to have all the dates of each specialist I saw in my head, but they are slowly disappearing from my memories.  I remember my 

• biopsy date
• diagnosis date
• surgery date
• 1st chemo and radiation treatment dates
• port surgery date
• last chemo and radiation treatment dates

It's amazing what our mind can remember and forget.  I am so thankful for the fuzzy memory on some of those appointments, especially the colorectal surgeon appointments and procedures! I'm still in shock sometimes about the whole diagnosis and process of being a cancer patient, I just couldn't fathom that I would end up with cancer.

Now for the frustrations.  I have been dealing with pain in my left hip joint since around the time I was diagnosed with cancer (Sept 2023). Before I started chemo on 12/27/23, I saw ortho to get it checked.  I had multiple x-rays taken at the ortho office and was told that I had a small amount of arthritis in the joint and had a good bit of space left where it's supposed to be.  They ordered an injection under fluoroscope, and that ended up happening around my 3 or 4th chemo treatment. By this point, my hip wasn't even hurting any more, but I went ahead with the injection just in case the pain came back.  I later realized that I'd been getting steroids each week with my chemo infusion, and that likely helped with the pain prior to the injection.

I visited ortho about every 2 months, got a joint shot in the office, got another 1 or 2 under the fluoroscope, and by late October, I could hardly walk. Back to the ortho on Oct.21.  New x-rays.  Same as the original ones, some arthritis, and adequate space in the joint.  The surgeon even said that it honestly didn't look like I needed a hip replacement, but if I was in that much pain, he could do it if that's what I wanted.  I did NOT want surgery and was hoping maybe it was the hip flexors or even my back.  

Also in October, I had just joined the gym and was starting to exercise.  I had one session with each of 2 personal trainers and informed them both of my hip issue.  They were both very thoughtful regarding my hip, and worked with me to find exercises that I could do.  I found that there wasn't a lot I could tolerate with the left hip, and I couldn't even lay flat on the floor and lift my foot off the floor with the left leg.  

Fast forward to November 15 - that night I was in the most pain I had experienced so far, to the point of tears (I kept this to myself so no one else knew).  My mother had come to visit and we had plans to go shopping the next day.  Those trips usually entailed Belk, Ollie's, Sweet Peas, Kroger, and any other place we had in mind.  We had breakfast, went to Sweet Peas, Kroger where I rode an electric wheelchair, and home.  The shortest shopping trip we've ever had!  LOL  

The pain had been tolerable that shopping day, but I knew I wouldn't have been able to stay out any longer. I kept the pain under control with Aleve and ibuprofen, and the heating pad.  The next day, the pain was screaming at me again, and while I so wanted to wait to go to the emergency room until my mom left for her home, I just couldn't do it.  She was getting ready to leave, and I had to have Brian take me to the hospital.

Because I was aware that I was a hip replacement candidate, the hospital didn't take any new x-rays since I had not fallen or had any type of injury recently.  They did give me a shot of Dilaudid, and that took the pain from a 10 down to about a 4.  Shortest ED trip I've ever had!

I started seeing a chiropractor at The Joint Chiropractic.  The first provider said the pain was most likely caused from really tight hip flexors, so she worked on my hips and gave me some suggestions for things to do at home to help.  Another one said it was a SI joint in the pelvis.  Some visits I would get relief and have little to no pain after, and even though I was doing the home things, I was getting worse, not better.  Right after Thanksgiving, I started to use a cane to walk.

I saw ortho again 12/30/24 and requested the hip injections.  They didn't do any new x-rays, since the ones in October were recent.  I did have a CT that morning for my routine cancer scans, and per the radiology report, it appeared that I had fluid in the joint, a new "lesion" of 3.5cm, with both of those pointing to bursitis.  Based on that, the physician assistant and I agreed to do an injection in the hip and another in the bursa, have one done under fluoroscope in mid-March (due to pre-planned and paid for cruise with my mother at the end of March), and we'd schedule the hip replacement in May or June, to allow for the steroids in the joint to dissipate.  

After a week, the injections in the hip did not appear to be providing any relief whatsoever (the last one I had in the office took about a week to provide relief).  I decided to get a 2nd opinion at another ortho practice, and the results were devastating.  My left hip had degenerated significantly between October 21 and this appointment (January 13) - in my untrained eyes, it appears that maybe up to 1/4th of the femoral head (ball in the joint) is just gone, the cup that it fits in is no longer smooth and rounded, it's jagged, and there is ZERO space in the joint.  If I shift my hip and leg around, my hip clicks and pops from the bones rubbing against each other (surprisingly that doesn't hurt).  I'm scheduled for the hip replacement on 4/09 (having to wait because of the injections, and also due to the cruise with my mom - I'll be renting an electric scooter for that trip).    

About a week after the 2nd opinion, I started using a walker.  The cane was causing me to put too much pressure on my arm, causing pain and stiffness in my wrist and elbow, and I feel a lot more stable with the walker.  It feels sort of weird, using a walker to get around, but I honestly would not be able to walk without it.  I'm having frequent pity parties - I can only sleep on my right side with a pillow between my knees, with my knees bent, and the last 2 weeks or so I've been waking up between 2am and 5am, with my hip and thigh aching. I end up going to the couch with the heating pad or ice packs and try to sleep until my normal wakeup time, unless it's 5am or later, then I just get my morning coffee and turn on the tv.  

Any positive energy you could send my way would be greatly appreciated, whether it's prayers, mojo, juju, spirit, whatever you got that's positive.  Thanks!

The Future

The election is over (thank goodness, tired of all the ads everywhere) and unfortunately, my candidate did not win.  I've never been overly upset whenever my preferred candidate lost in the past, but this time was different.  Brian stayed up watching the election coverage and came to bed sometime around 3am or so.  He woke me to give me the news, and it was like someone poured cold water over me.  I stared into the bathroom for what seemed like hours, and the tears just came flowing as the realization sunk in that one of the vilest humans possible was elected as our president.

Donald Trump is a:

• convicted felon
• 91 criminal charges (dropped to 88)
• 4 indictments
• rapist
• racist
• con-man
• liar
• cheater 
• he cheated on his wives
• he cheats businesses out of payment
• he hasn't paid the venues at which he has held his political rallies
• insurrectionist
• 6 bankruptcies
• 2 impeachments
• 1 convicted company
• 1 fake charity shut down
• 1 fake university shut down
• 26 sexual assault allegations
• $25 million dollar fraud settlement
• $5 million dollar sexual abuse settlement
• $2 million dollar charity abuse settlement

I could go on and on, but you get the point.  Those of you that support him seem to overlook all of these things, and claim that it's all "fake news", or that this stuff only comes up because the other side wants to smear him.

It's fact that he's a convicted felon.  34 felony counts for paying off the porn star to try to keep news of their one-night stand secret so it wouldn't affect the election.

It's a fact that he's a rapist - he was found liable for defamation against someone who alleged rape, and the judge stated that it was fact that he raped her, but unfortunately the statute of limitations had past for that crime.

It's a fact that he's a racist.  There are court cases and statements regarding this.

It's a fact that he's a liar. There are over 30,000 documented and proven lies that he told in his first presidency term.  He told multiple lies during his only debate with Kamala.  

It's a fact that he's a cheater.  He cheated on his first wife with his second wife.  He cheated on his second wife with his third wife, and he cheated on his third wife multiple times, including with the adult film star.

It's a fact that he cheats businesses out of payments.  There are multiple cases known where he refused to pay, violating the contracts, but he bogs the businesses down with legal filings, making it too expensive for the business to keep fighting for payment.

That's all I have to say about the list above, as it's all documented fact and you can look it up yourself.

Here are my predictions, and honestly, my fears, for what this Trump presidency will give us:

• will weaponize the DOJ to go after his political enemies, having them arrested and prosecuted.  He has stated that he will do this.
• is already buddied up with Putin and will buddy up with Kim Jon Un if he hasn't already. (remember - he has praised them multiple times and mentioned he wants to be like them)
• will grant tax breaks for the wealthy (he did it in his first presidency, so we know he will try to do this again)
• will take away rights from the LGBTQ+ community (this is in the Project 2025 agenda)
• will institute a federal ban on abortion
• will ban contraception
• will pardon all of the January 6 insurrectionists (he has stated this previously)
• he won't leave the presidency at the end of his term OR there won't even be an election in 2028
• will destroy federal agencies such as EPA, DOE, IRS
• will implement Project 2025

For those of you who insist that he was telling the truth that he "knows nothing about Project 2025" - do you really believe that?  His name is mentioned in it more than 300 times.  The vice president-elect wrote the forward.  Over 200 of his previous administration officials are involved in the project.  This project was created by his loyalists and allies. He runs in the same circles with many of these people. There is just no way in the universe that he could not know about this plot.  And now that he's won the election, there are several in his circle saying that yes, they are planning on implementing this project, that it's the real agenda.

Trump doesn't understand how tariffs work.  He thinks by implementing tariffs against foreign goods, those foreign countries will be penalized and paying the tariffs.  He doesn't understand that it will make the prices increase for those items, and many of those items imported are not manufactured here in the states.  I understand the purpose of tariffs, and why he'd want to implement them, but it will ultimately cause inflation.

He wants to "deport all the illegals" and has said that there is no price tag too high to accomplish this.  What he and his supporters don't understand, is that this will cost at least $100,000,000,000 (billion) dollars, and will take 20 years to accomplish.  In the meantime, this deportation will cost the country millions of dollars in taxes (immigrants pay sales tax, ad velorem tax on property, property taxes, etc.). Creating "shelters" where immigrants would stay until they are deported would cost around $40 million PER MONTH to operate. Using existing jail or prison space to house the undocumented until deportation would cost around $350 a day. Currently the average time it takes a case to make it through immigration court is 1016 days - at $350/day, that would cost $355,600 per immigrant.

Where would we send these immigrants once they are scheduled for deportation?  There are at least a dozen countries that do not accept immigrants being deported from the US.  These countries include China, Cuba, India, and Russia, as well as Venezuela. 

5% of the American workforce is undocumented immigrants.  5% might not sound like a lot, but those folks make up a large percentage of our food processing (think produce harvesting and packaging, and working at meat packing plants), as well as construction.  By removing these folks from the country, we would see crops die and not make it to the grocers, produce and home construction costs will skyrocket because Americans generally don't work those jobs.   

Removing all of these people from the country would also affect other businesses.  Think about it - the immigrants would no longer be here to buy food, clothing, and other goods, which would cause those businesses to lose sales, and the governments to lose tax revenue.

I agree that we need to fix the immigration problem and I don't know the answer, but mass deporting people will not solve the problem.  

One thing mentioned in Agenda 47, the "official GOP platform", they intend to cut federal funding for any school that is "pushing critical race theory, radical gender ideology, and other inappropriate racial, sexual, or political content on our children".  Who is going to determine what is appropriate or not?  Just because YOU don't believe in more than 2 genders, doesn't make having just 2 genders true.  Just because YOU don't want children to learn about our country's racist past and how it affects things today, doesn't mean our children shouldn't learn about it.  We cannot grow and improve without learning about our past, no matter how ugly it may be, otherwise we are doomed to repeat it.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.  Please don't respond back with hate, or with "fake news!" comments.  None of this is fake.  It's all real, and it's all documented.  If you can't research on your own and find these things, then I can't help you.

I sure hope that I am wrong about these things, but I just have an awful feeling that most if not all of these things will happen.

One Year Ago Today...

...I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in the right inguinal lymph node.  Thus began my journey as a cancer patient, and thankfully I am now a cancer survivor. 

Reading this: 

was certainly NOT what I expected that day when the results came through.  I'm not going to rehash everything I went through, but I am forever thankful that it is over, at least as far as treatment goes.  I've got a negative PET scan and a negative CT scan under my belt and have my next scans in late December.  

I still have dreams of having to have surgery, the type of surgery is usually different, and I honestly cannot remember actually knowing the type of surgery I was having. In my dreams, I don't think I have cancer, but I can't remember all of it to know for sure.

I had my port removed on August 23 and am so happy to be able to wear my seat belt properly while driving now!  

I think I mentioned in my last blog post that I was adopting the mantra "All will be well" and "this girl can".  Today I did a little something...

Colby at Long Live Tattoo in Lagrange added this little reminder to my arm today.  It didn't even dawn on me until I was talking to my sis-in-law that today makes a year since diagnosis.  How fitting that I chose today as the day to have my mantra inscribed permanently on my arm.  It will serve as a reminder to me that I went through something pretty tough, and if I can get through that, I can get through anything.

If you want to know more about my journey with cancer, please message me on Facebook or comment here.  I'm an open book when it comes to matters of my health.

Thank you to all of you who prayed for me, sent positive energy, mo-jo, ju-ju, etc., to me over the last year.  I've definitely felt the positivity!

Update on Me

 I can't keep up with who I've talked to and who I haven't, so some of you may already know these things and some of you may not.

I had 11 inguinal-femoral lymph nodes removed on November 20. We knew going into the surgery that at least one of those lymph nodes had cancer, and per pathology, none of the others had cancer.  That was fantastic news, and I'm so very thankful that it had not spread to additional lymph nodes.  

My recovery has been going well so far.  I have a drain coming from the groin area which I have to empty a couple times a day.  It clogged yesterday and I had fluid spilling out around the drain.  I was able to get the clog cleared and it's back to normal now.  But y'all - the drain stuff grosses me out!  I've been dealing with it myself since I came home from the hospital and blech!!!!!  

I have a lot of numbness in the groin, hip, and thigh, which I think helped me with the pain level.  I've never been one to take many pain pills after a major surgery, and this one was no exception.  I've only had 2 or 3 of the prescription pain meds, and I've taken Tylenol a couple of times to take the edge off.  (talked to my mom today and she was expecting me to be in agony, as she reminded me of how I complained and whined so badly as a child when I would get a cut or a scrape! LOL)

I have my post-op appointment coming up on 12/5, where I hope to have this drain removed.  I'll have my next oncology appointment on 12/6, and I would imagine that this appointment is to set my radiation and chemo schedule.

On December 18, I'm scheduled for a high resolution anoscopy.  This is done under general anesthesia, and there will be multiple biopsies taken.  For those that don't know what this is - it's an examination looking for anal cancer.  The regular anoscopy hasn't shown anything for concern, so they're doing this to make 100% sure that there's nothing to worry about.  

All of the providers I've seen (oncologist, general surgeon, colorectal surgeon, gyn oncologist, and dermatologist), are baffled as to the source of this squamous cell carcinoma in my lymph nodes.  All of them have said that for cancer to have spread from a primary location to the lymph nodes, the primary tumor should be of some size.  And yet I have nothing that anyone can see that's of any concern, anywhere.

I appreciate the prayers and positive energy that all of you are sending my way so very much.  I have no doubts that I will beat this and be well. Keep sending the prayers, mojo, juju, and all the positivity that you care to share with me, it is a definite help!

Shaken to My Core: Life-changing Diagnosis

 Hello everyone.  Lots of changes in my life over the last year.  For those of you who didn't know, I had gastric sleeve surgery last year in July and have lost 92 pounds.  I'm about 10lbs from my goal weight, but honestly if I stay where I'm at, I won't be upset.  I have bigger fish to fry now, and I'll get to that in a minute.

Losing 92lbs of course has changed my body in so many ways.  I left the hospital after surgery off of my pre-diabetic medications (ozempic and metformin), as well as my lasix and potassium supplements.  I came off the blood pressure medication in October last year, and my weekly mega-dose of vitamin D earlier this year.  The cardiologist has taken me off the cholesterol medication, pending the outcome of my bloodwork that I'll have at the end of November.  All I take now is vitamins (multi, B12, and biotin), Celexa, Singulair, and a probiotic.  

My obgyn found a large nodule on my thyroid in January.  I went through 2 biopsies to ensure it wasn't cancer (less than 4% chance that it was), so that was good.  Turns out I have a few more nodules on my thyroid but the largest one was the biggest concern.  The doctor might not have felt the nodules in the past due to the extra weight I was carrying, so who knows how long I've had thyroid nodules.  Thankfully my thyroid function tests are all normal, so we're just on a watch and see plan with it.  If it continues growing and becomes a problem, we can remove it, but for now I'm content on leaving it alone.

In February, the morning of my routine well check with my PCP, I found a lump in my groin.  I figured it was a lymph node and of course I brought it up to the doctor.  She ordered a CT scan to check it out, which I ended up having the scan done at an ED visit for a very painful tummy the next week.  The CT scan just gave the dimensions of the lymph node (something like 2.1cm x 1.5, I don't recall exactly); the scan also confirmed that my severe fatty liver disease is GONE.  No more fatty liver!!!!!  The PCP took a wait and see plan with the lymph node, as they can sometimes swell due to some sort of infection the body is experiencing, and she didn't seem too concerned as I am generally healthy and didn't seem to have anything going on.

On August 24, I found a 2nd enlarged lymph node right next to the first one. I knew that one was new, as it had not shown on the CT scan back in March, so I contacted my PCP for advice.  She referred me to the surgical group here, and I was able to be seen the very next morning.  I had already consulted Google for the possibilities - and yes, I know - you should NEVER consult Google with medical things, so I was looking for reassurances that this was no big deal.  The surgeon didn't seem overly concerned with it; he removed the original swollen lymph node on September 5 and of course it was sent to pathology to see what was going on with it.

On Thursday, September 7, my pathology results were delivered to my patient portal (MyChart). My life changed forever when I saw the words "squamous cell carcinoma" and "the malignant results were delivered to the ordering provider".  I never, ever, dreamed I would be diagnosed with CANCER!  I go to the obgyn every year.  Get a mammogram every year.  I have whatever tests and scans and vaccinations that are suggested, at the intervals recommended.  

As I'm sure many of you can imagine, I was devastated at the news.  I got the results at quitting time from work, and I cried all the way home.  I cried when I told Brian.  He held me and he cried, too.  I decided that I wasn't going to tell my mother or Steven until I had more information on what kind of cancer, what stage I'm at, what my treatment plan is, etc., and I knew that some of this may take some time to get.  This meant I had to straighten my crown, fix my face, and head to American Pie for Carrollton Pride Spirit Night to support Steven and the community that evening.  I managed to make it through dinner and held myself together pretty good.

I'm so thankful for the gastric sleeve surgery and losing the 92lbs.  I might never have found this lymph node had I not lost the weight.

I had to see the surgeon again on the 11th so that he could check me for skin cancer and another type of cancer that I'd rather forget about, and I'm clear in those regards.  He was baffled at how I could have cancer in my lymph node but no obvious primary tumor.  Squamous cell carcinoma is a skin cancer diagnosis, and I don't have anything that caught the surgeon's eye as being suspicious.  He ordered a PET Scan, which I had on the 12th.  The only thing that lit up on the scan was the remaining enlarged lymph node.

I had my first visit with oncology on the 13th.  I didn't get the answers I was looking for that day, as now we were on the hunt for a primary tumor so that they'd know what this was and how to treat it.  I've had a cystoscopy on my bladder, and thankfully that was all clear.  

I decided to go ahead and tell my mother and my son on Friday, September 15, as Mom came to visit for the weekend, and I wanted to tell her in person. I knew I wouldn't be able to see her and not fall apart.  I needed my momma y'all.  BAD.  I think she handled the news better than I expected, but Steven, omg that freaking broke my heart.  I remember being broken hearted when I told him I was divorcing his father when he was 11, but that was mild compared to the heartbreak I experienced that night.

I saw a surgeon at the gynecologic oncology office on the 27th, and after his examination he found nothing wrong either.  (I had seen a different surgeon at that practice that has now retired, for the VIN III surgery I had in 2017) This surgeon suggested that it was possible that somehow this could end up being vulvar cancer, in relation to the VIN III from 2017.  He recommended that I have surgery to remove more lymph nodes in the inguinal region, as well as radiation and chemo.

I saw the oncologist for the 2nd time on the afternoon of the 27th, and she agreed with the gyn oncologist recommendations.  Because there's no primary tumor, I'm told that it's really hard to give a stage.  I was told we're looking at either stage 2 or stage 3.  Definitely not stage 1 since it's in a lymph node, and definitely not stage 4 as it's only in the 1 lymph node based on the PET scan and has not spread elsewhere.  I'm good with 2 or 3, and it gives me comfort that it hasn't metastasized.

So now I'm waiting for a surgery date with the gyn oncologist, and 4-6 weeks post-op I will begin the radiation and chemo.  I'm told that the particular chemo I will have doesn't typically make your hair fall out, but I don't care if it does. I'm also told that the nausea from this one is pretty bad, so we shall see how that goes.  I'm going to do anything and everything that I can to beat this!

THIS GIRL CAN!

Thankful for the Thorns

 Thankful for the Thorns

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze.  Then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.  She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come.

What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer? "Had she lost a child? No - she has no idea what I'm feeling," Sandra shuddered. Thanksgiving? "Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?"

The flower shop clerk's approach startled her. "Sorry," said Jenny, "I just didn't want you to think I was ignoring you."

"I . . . . I need an arrangement."

"For Thanksgiving?" Sandra nodded.  "Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the "Thanksgiving Special."

Jenny saw Sandra's curiosity and continued, "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories, that each arrangement insinuates a particular feeling. Are you looking for something that conveys gratitude this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted. "Sorry, but in the last five months, everything that could go wrong has."

Sandra regretted her outburst but was surprised when Jenny said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

The door's small bell suddenly rang. "Barbara! Hi, "Jenny said. She politely excused herself form Sandra and walked toward a small workroom. She quickly reappeared carrying a massive arrangement of green bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Only, the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped, no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" Jenny asked.

Sandra watched for Barbara's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems and no flowers! She waited for laughter, for someone to notice the absence of flowers atop the thorny stems, but neither woman did.

"Yes, please. It's exquisite," said Barbara. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I'd not be so moved by its significance, but it's happening again. My family will love this one. Thanks."

Sandra stared. "Why so normal a conversation about so strange an arrangement?" she wondered.

"Ah, said Sandra, pointing. "That lady just left with, ah . . . ."

"Yes?"

"Well, she had no flowers!"

"Off?"

"Off. Yep. That's the Special. I call it the "Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"But, why do people pay for that?" In spite of herself she chuckled.

"Do you really want to know?"

"I couldn't leave this shop without knowing. I'd think about nothing else!"

"That might be good," said Jenny.

"Well," she continued, "Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling very much like you feel today. She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she faced major surgery."

"Ouch!" said Sandra.

"That same year, I lost my husband. I assumed complete responsibility for the shop and for the first time, spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"What did you do?"

"I learned to be thankful for thorns.

"Sandra's eyebrows lifted. "Thorns?"

"I'm a Christian, Sandra. I've always thanked God for good things in life and I never thought to ask Him why good things happened to me. But, when bad stuff hit. Did I ever ask! It took time to learn that dark times are important. I always enjoyed the flowers' of life but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra gasped. "A friend read that passage to me and I was furious! I guess the truth is, I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God." She started to ask Jenny to "go on" when the door's bell diverted their attention.

"Hey, Phil!" shouted Jenny as a balding, rotund man entered the shop. She softly touched Sandra's arm and moved to welcome him. He tucked her under his side for a warm hug. "I'm here for twelve thorny long-stemmed stems!" Phil laughed, heartily.

"I figured as much," said Jenny. "I've got them ready." She lifted a tissue-wrapped arrangement form the refrigerated cabinet.

"Beautiful," said Phil. "My wife will love them."

Sandra could not resist asking, "These are for your wife?"

Phil saw that Sandra's curiosity matched his when he first heard of a Thorn Bouquet. "Do you mind me asking, 'Why thorns?"

"In fact, I'm glad you asked, "He said. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but we slogged through, problem by rotten problem. We rescued our marriage - our love, really. Last year, at Thanksgiving, I stopped in here for flowers. I must have mentioned surviving a tough process because Jenny told me that for a long time she kept a vase of rose stems --- stems! --- As a reminder of what she learned from 'thorny' times. That was good enough for me. I took home stems, My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific thorny situation and give thanks for what the problem taught us. I'm pretty sure this stem review is becoming a tradition."

Phil paid Jenny, thanked her again and as he left, said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life, "Sandra said to Jenny.

"Well, my experience says that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, Sandra, Jesus wore a crown of thorns so that we might know His love. Do not resent thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take twelve long-stemmed thorns, please."

"I hoped you would, " Jenny said. "I'll have them ready in a minute. Then, every time you see them, remember to appreciate both good and hard times. We grow through both."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a pledge to work toward healing your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." Jenny handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach a card like this to your arrangement but maybe you'd like to read it first. Go ahead, read it."

My God, I have never thanked Thee for my thorns! I have thanked Thee a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear, teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed to Thee by the path of pain. Show me that my tears have made my rainbow. George Matheson 





It's been a while since I've posted this, as I've really fallen off of my blog posting but thought it was worth sharing this year.

It's not something I ever thought of before - why in the world would I want to thank God for all the "thorns" in my life that have caused me so much grief, pain, aggravation and disappointments?  I have learned a lot over the last several decades, and it has taken great pain, suffering, aggravation and disappointment for me to reach the point in my life where I am now.  We don't truly learn about life and about ourselves until we have suffered in some fashion - we are given the opportunity to learn and grow through the trials and tribulations that we experience.  Many times, we can't make sense of it or find a purpose in it as we are experiencing the difficult times, but eventually, we figure it out and find meaning in it. 

I'm definitely not a religious person, nor do I have a defined set of beliefs. I find myself questioning some things at times and I just kinda work things out with what makes the most sense to me.  But - I do believe we are given the "thorns" in our lives for a reason.  So - remember to be thankful for not only the good things in life, but also for those "thorns" that you are pricked with on occasion, for they do serve a purpose in our lives.

In Memoriam: Clydie Lou Cote

 We lost my mother-in-law, Clydie Lou Cote (nee Brown), on Thursday, 10/06/2022.  We knew it was coming, but just never dreamed it would be so soon.  She fought so many health battles since I've known her the last 12 years - Stage 3 lung cancer, a AAA repair and 2 touch ups on that, COPD, Congestive Heart Failure, Covid, a broken humerus. She battled through everything with all the strength in her being, but unfortunately there's no winning against COPD and CHF. 

That woman could work my last nerve and push every button I have, but I loved her deeply.  She was my second momma.  She moved in with us in January 2012, when Brian was deployed to Kosovo.  I credit her for saving me from myself during that deployment, as I had started to sink into a pretty deep depression over Brian being away and my mother living in England.  I spent a LOT of time alone in my bedroom, playing on the computer, and just barely functioning.  When Clydie moved in with us, I couldn't go to my room and hang out, I had to spend time with her, getting to know her and making her welcome.  She really was a blessing to me in so many ways.

We shared a love of the Dark Tower Stephen King book series - she wasn't a big SK fan, but she really enjoyed that series, as well as the Mr. Mercedes, Finders Keepers, and Final Watch (might not be correct title on that last one, but it was the final in that series).  I couldn't keep up with her reading speed, and I don't enjoy reading nearly as much as she did, but it was awesome to be able to discuss those books together and then see the movie Dark Tower when it came out a couple years ago. (We loved us some Idris Elba!)

Clydie wouldn't want us to sit around and cry all the time over her.  She knew she was loved, and we knew that she loved us.  She even loved those who made it hard to love them. She was humble and kind and didn't like to hold grudges.  She gave second chances to those who wanted or needed one and would advise others to look beyond the past and see a brighter future.  She made me think about a lot of things, and she taught me even more.  I'm a better cook than before we met, and I now know how to sew, crochet, garden, and preserve vegetables and homemade spaghetti sauce.  I wish I'd gotten her to show me how to change out the zipper in a pair of pants!  I guess I'll be looking on YouTube and figuring that one out alone. 😭

Clydie wasn't perfect, but who is?  If you didn't feel like she loved you, I can assure you that she did.  And please don't argue with me about it.  You have no idea the conversations that she and I had where she confessed her love for people that did her wrong, or upset her, and that she would still love them because that's how she was.  She kept her distance from some folks that she loved because of her fear of being hurt again, but the love was there.

Grief is like glitter.  You can throw a handful of it into the air, but when you try to clean it up you will never get it all.  Even long after the event, you will still find glitter tucked in the corners.  It will always be there...somewhere.