Tuesday, July 23, 2013


From personal experience, I can tell you - this is so true.  When you've been abused for so long, you just don't know how to take it when someone actually treats you the way that you deserve to be treated.  You're always looking for the other shoe to drop, the demeanor to change, the lies to be discovered, for everything to fall apart.

You get to where you are so afraid of being hurt, you just close yourself off and don't let anyone get too close, and you certainly don't let anyone "in".  It really takes a special, very patient, true love to get through - to help you tear down the walls, one brick at a time, until they are able to get close to you and for you to let them "in".

I usually wear my feelings on my sleeve, so to speak, so it's pretty easy to see when I'm not really okay.  Although, I do try to hide my feelings at times, and I don't like to open up to just anyone.  Hiding bad feelings is exhausting.  Maybe that's part of why I'm so tired every night and tend to go to sleep after dinner.  I have a lot of bad feelings, about a lot of different things.  No, I don't want to talk about them.  Please, don't ask me about them - not even to let me know that you are there for me.  I just don't want it mentioned and don't want to talk about it.  When I want to talk about it, I will.  Until then - I'm okay.  Really.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Things I'm tired of.....

Okay, here's a negative post if there ever was one.  I'm in one of those moods where I'm frustrated about a lot of things, and let me preface this by saying that I know I am blessed, lucky, fortunate, privileged, or whatever other adjective that you want to use to describe me and my life.  I know that there are people that have life much, much more difficult than I do, and I am appreciative of my life and all the positives that are there.  I just wanna vent!  So here goes:

*I'm tired of the rain.  We usually end up with a rain deficit by the end of the year, but with as much rain as we've gotten the past week, I don't think we're in danger of that this year.

*I'm sick of seeing the same old commercials, over and over and over.  For example - the repeat commercial for "Pawn Stars" where the chick that got the guitar from the Playboy Mansion, and the NASA toilet seat.  Those commercials, and the ones where the kids talk about "back in my day". Dammit man, I am sick of that!

*I'm sick again - that damn cough. It looks like I will have to go to the doctor tomorrow (yes, they have Sunday hours thank goodness) so I can get a handle on it before it gets too bad.

*I'm done with the hormonal roller coaster that I'm on!  It sucks!  And no, it's not menopause, just normal monthly fluctuations.

*I am so ready to buy a house and move, but we just can't seem to find one suitable.  Ugh!

*I am beyond frustrated for my husband and the recovery on his arm.  We don't expect him to get well overnight by any means, but he has had a very rough time since the 2nd surgery on June 14.  He's at the point where he has to sleep when he can, regardless of what time of day it is, so right now, he pretty much has his days and nights a little on the mixed up side.  For example - he was up til 4am this morning, went to bed and slept til around 1pm.  I tried from 10am until 1pm to get him up - he was that tired!  Besides the fatigue from not being able to sleep due to the pain meds just not working, it appears that he may have an infection in the elbow, as it has been red, swollen and warm to the touch on and off for the past week or so.  We did call the surgeon so he could call in an antibiotic, and it does seem to be improving, ever so slowly.  He has a routine appointment for it on Monday, so we'll see what the doctor says about it then.

*I am really disgusted with people that think they can just dump an animal off somewhere to fend for itself.  That has apparently happened on Freeman Rd this past week - this beautiful dog, I have no idea what he is but I would guesstimate him to weigh around 60lbs or so, reddish brown/brindle color, built kind of like a german shepherd, has been running around on Freeman Rd, looking totally bewildered, and he will trot after cars like he's hoping they will stop and pick him up.  I can't pick him up because I don't know how my boys will react to him, being that they aren't neutered and I don't know if this dog is, and other than possible territorial-aggression issues, it would be a total piss-fest at the house to try to mark territory everywhere.  I just can't have that.  If I was in a home with a fenced in yard, I would get him in a heartbeat.  He is really beautiful, and he looks so sweet and lovable.  If I continue to see him, I will try to get him to a shelter or rescue.

Well folks, that's all I can write tonight, there's just so much more but I just can't put forth the effort at this time.  I'm gonna lay down and rest and hope and pray this cough will ease up - might have to break out the big guns with the Tussion Ex.