Saturday, August 30, 2014

30 questions

Okay, so I stole this list of questions from my son's Tumblr page and just thought I'd post it and share. 

1:Where do you want to live when you're older if you get the chance?  I'd love to live on a lake somewhere, on a huge chunk of acreage, so we could fish and hunt on our own land.
2:Who do you miss right now?   my mom!  (she'll be home in a couple of weeks for a month, and I can't wait!)
3:What's the best pet you have ever had?  my cat, Katey
4:Have you ever been in love? If yes describe  Yes I have.  I've thought I've been in love a couple of times, and I know I've been in love once before, but the love that I have with my husband is the deepest, truest love I have ever experienced in my life. 
5:If you could do anything good for someone what would it be and for who? Anything that I could do would require money that I don't have, but if I were in a financial position to do so, I would love to help some folks out.
6:Where would your dream home be located and how would it be like?  I would love a ranch-style home on a lake, in the woods.  It would need a basement for storage, a bad weather retreat area, and a man-cave for Brian and his toys.
7:If you could spend the rest of your life with someone starting from now who would it be?  My husband!
8:If you had a baby what would you name it?   For a girl - Emery LuMyra.  For a boy - Harley Alexander
9:Winter or summer and favorite things in that season. Winter - good snuggling weather!  Summer - swimming time
10:What would your perfect trip be like and where would it be?  For a perfect trip, money would have to be no object.  I would love to take a cruise to the Caribbean, and do an excursion on every stop.  Mayan ruins, time in Jamaica, Grand Caymans, a lot of different things.
11:Favorite book?  most anything Stephen King (except Dolores Claiborn)
12:If you had 1 wish what would you wish for?  I would wish for unlimited wishes.  If that wish wasn't permitted, I would wish for an unlimited supply of tax-free money.
13:Rainy days indoors with a cup of hot chocolate in your hand or hot summer days at the beach? Both types of days have their benefits.  Some days I just don't feel like battling the heat and sand.
14:What is the most lucky thing that has ever happened to you? I don't believe in luck.  It's hard work, or just plain old destiny.
15:Favorite ice cream flavor/combo?  I love a good chocolate chip ice cream with a scoop of chocolate along with it.
16:Do you workout? If yes do you have a routine? Describe   Damn I haven't "worked out" in a while.  A year, as a matter of fact.  I try to walk 2-3 times a week, 2-3 miles each time, but I haven't done that in a while because of the heat.
17:What was the first thought when you arrived at school the day you went back? (or what will it be when you do)  I haven't been to school in a long time.  If I were to return to further my education, I would probably have nightmares about skipping class all semester and showing up to take the final, for a class like calculus or statistics.
18:Books or movies? books
19:Best movie you have ever watched?  too many to list
20:What's the motto(s) you live by?   Live and let live.
21:Favorite item in the whole world?  my phone
22:If you could buy one thing right now, no matter the price, what would it be?  an all expenses paid vacation
23:Do you like art?  it's okay
24:Girls: How would you like to be proposed by the man of your dreams?  not something I've ever thought about and it doesn't matter anyway because I'm married!  LOL
     Boys:How would you propose the woman of your dreams? 
25:Long or short hair?  for me - long hair.  Sometimes I wish I had shorter hair, but I love having the long hair.
26:Favorite singer/band?  Journey
27:Who's your role model?  I don't really have one
28:Do you like Nicholas Sparks' movies?   I don't watch them
29:Describe how school makes you feel in a GIF   not even going there!
30:If you could meet any famous person in the world (1) who would it be and why?  I don't really care to meet anyone famous.

Can you believe it's been one year already????

Yes, today is the one year anniversary for when we had the closing on our home!  It's so hard to believe that it's already been a whole year.  Home ownership is one of the most rewarding things - it's great to be able to come home to something that belongs to you.

Our home has come a long way since we bought it - here's some photos from last year, before we did anything inside or out with the house:

You can sort of see the trees to the left of the house, and all the greenery on the right side of the house.

This is the view from the back of the yard, with all the overgrown bushes there to the left and that clump of trees, bushes and "stuff" in the middle of the yard.
And this is what our yard looks like now, from the same vantage points:
 All the stuff gone from the left side of the house!
And all of the stuff gone to the side of the house and the center of the yard!
We did some stuff to pretty up the yard, and added this sitting garden to the side:

Here's some nice things that were already there, some we knew about, some that just showed up:
 We knew the azalea was there, and it bloomed so fully this past season!
 This crocus was a big surprise, it grew up next to the steps.
 And this hyacinth was quite the surprise, too.
We added the pansies last fall/winter, and now they've been replaced by begonias.  (I didn't take pics of those).
There's so much to do with the house still, as far as more planting in the yard, and finding more places to hang up more photos and stuff, but we're just taking our time with it.  No hurry, with me working full time and Brian and Steven in school full time.
We received a "happy anniversary" card from the original mortgage company today.  I thought it was pretty interesting that they go to that trouble, to still thank the customer at the 1 year anniversary.  It's even funnier to me since the mortgage company sold the mortgage after closing, before our first payment was due!

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Blah. Just. Blah.

I decided I'd get up this morning and do the weed-eating in the yard, front AND back.  Yay me.  We have this wonderful electric weed-eater, so I had to drag out 2 sets of super long extension cords so I could reach the mailbox and all the way on every side of the house.

I managed to get the front yard mostly done before it was time to refill the string.  Break time for breakfast!  Cheese grits are just the freaking bomb, I tell you.  Finished eating, got the thing refilled with the string, and got back to weed eating.  I had on long knit yoga pants and flip flops.  Yes, I know, I should have been wearing sneakers.  Believe me, after getting the sensation that my pinky toe on my right foot had been impaled, 3 different times, I wish I had put on the sneakers (it was fine, sore now, but fine). 

With the period here, it really took a LOT out of me to work in the yard that little bit.  Normally physical activity helps the cramps and pain, but not today.  I was in agony, just absolute agony, after I got finished in the yard.  I took a shower, had a cry and pity party, then popped an ibuprofen and laid down with not one, but TWO, heating pads (one for the front, one for the back).  Steven came in and joined me for a bit, I guess he wanted company and he didn't want me to be alone with me being all whiny and in pain.

At dinner, Clydie and I discussed that we were going to remove our "boulder holders" after dinner.  Steven had to say "oh no, we're gonna have a rock slide!"  It was pretty funny, guess you had to be there.

I stuck a hair clip/claw in Gabriel's neck fur.  He freaked out and ran to Clydie's room and jumped on her bed.  She had to remove it.  Then I stuck it on Dominion, and he just shook his head and it flipped off of him quickly.  So I stuck it on Gabriel's neck again, and he tucked tail and ran to the landing, cowering.  Gabriel is such a chicken!  He gets scared over NOTHING sometimes!  And of course, it's kinda funny most of the time. 

And no, I don't torture the dogs all the time.  Sometimes things happen that make the dogs have funny reactions, but we don't typically do things that would terrorize them.  Even the simple act of Brian and Steven rough-housing will terrify Gabriel.  Loud laughter and noises scare him, as so sticking things in his fur.  Thunder doesn't phase him.  Dominion, on the other hand, is absolutely terrified of thunder, but the loud laughter and horse play doesn't bother him.  Hell, half the time on the horse play, he wants to join in!

It's 10:15pm, and I'm ready for bed.  Past ready for bed.  I've been watching ghost shows on LMN and the Travel Channel.  Actually, I had to change off the Travel Channel for 2 reasons - I'm getting a little tired of Ghost Adventures, and second - I am sick to damn death of that damn "Big Time RV" commercial with the little girl that practically sings the word "whaaattttt??????"  That is the one commercial that I fucking despise.  I mean, seriously - they are advertising a show, why are they using the SAME clip(s) EVERY DAMN DAY?!?!?!?!?  Aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!

Okay, I'm packing it in for tonight - y'all have a great evening and a wonderful Sunday!

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Latest News

Here's the standard TMI warning - gonna talk about my personal lady-bits issues, and if you're too squeamish or don't care to know such intimate medical details about me, then please stop here.

So those of you that are regular readers, and who know me personally, know that I have period issues.  Since I went off the pill in 2012, my periods have been almost like clockwork, every 28 days, give or take a day or 2.  But, they've gotten increasingly heavier, more disgusting, and more painful.  I was told last year that this was most likely due to a condition called adenomyosis, which is like having endometriosis within the uterine wall itself.  This will cause all the period issues, as well as some other issues like abdominal pain, pain when using the bathroom, and pain during certain extracurricular activities.

Over the past few months, the pain level and nausea I experience has increased significantly - I actually had pains that felt like ice picks, stabbing me in my ovaries.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I tried numbing the pain with Tramadol and while it helped a little, the nasty drug hangover was not worth the minute amount of relief obtained.  So when my period started last month, I called my doctor's office to ask them to prescribe something stronger than 800mg ibuprofen.  Unfortunately, they would not do anything stronger without me being seen, so I had them call it in and scheduled an appointment to talk to the doctor about what we can do.  (and fortunately I ended up not even needing the ibuprofen for that cycle!)

This past Sunday, I was laying on the couch and talking on the phone, and I got the ice pick sensation in my left ovary.  This was weird, as my period wasn't due for another 10 days or so.  Tuesday and Wednesday I had spotting, which many times is a direct beginning to my period, but it was way too early for that, right?  I mean, my freaking period is almost like clockwork, and I'm not due until the 21st!!!

My doctor's appointment was yesterday afternoon, and I didn't know if I was gonna make it to then, as I got some kind of nasty sick while I was at work and started up on a puke-fest.  I left work, went and crashed at my mom's house until my appointment time, and then went to the doctor.  The nurse said I was the 3rd person that came in telling of having the throw-ups all morning, and there was some kind of bug going around.  Great.

I see the doctor, and we discuss all the continuing period issues, and I give her my recent symptoms, and she said it was some sort of ovulation malfunction disorder (I cannot for the life of me remember the actual name she called it dammit), that apparently my eggs are become cysts before they release and as they pop free of the cyst, that's giving me the ice pick pains.  And the only thing she could do at this point to help would be to put me back on birth control pills, which I don't want to do, and she doesn't really want to do that either.

She said most like I am in peri-menopause at this point, given the changes in my periods, although she was thinking that the spotting I had up until the appointment was related to the ovulation thing and not an actual period.  Well, after getting up this morning and checking things out, I'm pretty confident that this IS my period, 8 days early.  Aaaarrrggghhhhh!!!!!

She ran some hormonal blood tests, and also checked my thyroid, and they told me today that everything was normal.  Nothing out of whack when it comes to my hormones or thyroid.  Good right?  Yes, but no, as it doesn't give us a reason for what's going on.  I would think the hormonal test would have definitively indicated that I was in peri-menopause, but it doesn't.  Oh well. 

So now, if I experience this horrific ice-pick pain again, hopefully they'll be willing to prescribe something stronger than 800mg ibuprofen!  I don't know how much longer I can deal with the pain, nausea, and gross stuff.  Ewwww.

And okay, I'm going to say this - I know of some women that are able to look at their periods in a positive light (other than those who are happy to get a period as their sign of not being pregnant) - they are happy to have periods, they embrace their monthlies, and how it makes them more womanly or something.  I don't mean to sound like I'm criticizing them, I just don't understand the joy and wonderment of having periods.  Yes, I understand their function, and why we have them, but it doesn't mean I have to like them or embrace them.  I honestly don't understand how embracing my womanliness is going to make my periods a pleasant experience.  If you are one of these women that finds a true joy or ability to embrace having periods, please let me in on your secret.  Thanks!

Monday, August 11, 2014

That Bitch

Borrowed from another writer.......

I walked into the restroom at a local casino after dinner. A barely 21 year old was at the counter, using the mirror to finish off her outfit.

A quick glance at her too tight dress told me she was a go go dancer at the club. I hurried past her, feeling frumpier than before. She gave a side long look and went back to perfecting her make up.

Washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and caught her glare. Yeah yeah, I know, you're younger and hotter and sexier. Go ahead, feel superior, you are.

I struggled with the automated faucet and soap dispenser, and felt my face get more red the longer I stood at the sink.

That bitch, does she really need to keep looking over here?

I started to feel angry. Who did she think she was? Judging me, in the ladies bathroom, on a Thursday night. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I couldn't look like her, so why was she rubbing it in?!

I glanced up at the mirror, and the harsh light revealed every imperfection I had. Finally, I returned her sneering gaze in my reflection and stood up straight to dry my hands.

She quickly looked down, "I'm sorry," she blurted out "I was just thinking I wish I had tits like those!"

I opened my mouth to retaliate -wait, what?! She wasn't looking down on me, she was envying me? I realized we had both stood there in silence, letting our looks intimidate each other.

When I finally came out of shock, I complimented her lovely skin, amazing legs and slim figure. She blushed back, saying five layers of make up kept her decent, and I looked naturally pretty in my bare face.

She looked back into the mirror and I thought she was going to cry. I knew that look. It was one I had given myself so many times over so many years. My heart broke a little. Somewhere in life, she had heard she wasn't good enough. And she believed it.

The exchange ended with a hug, my assuring her she was "absolutely beautiful" in full sincerity. I thought she was beautiful when I walked in, but I thought it angrily. I walked away realizing she was just as fragile, insecure and emotional as the rest of us. That she needed to hear she was OK just the way she was.

On my way out the main entrance, I took a moment to tell a young woman she looked really pretty in her dress. She was a little surprised at first, then smiled and thanked me.

I think women need to take more moments like that for each other. We shouldn't be going through our lives being angry at the beauty we see in each other, but letting each other know that we see that beauty in them.

Amen - please people - it's kinda like trying to find the positives even in a negative situation - always look for the positive, the pretties, the good in others.  Stop focusing on the negatives, especially in your own self.

Don't Get Me Wrong.....

I've posted a few things recently regarding what it's like to have low self-esteem, and the things that go through one's head who suffers from low self-esteem.  See these posts:  Self Esteem, or the lack thereof...... and For When You Think Nobody Will Love You.  Yes, I suffer from this.  I have as long as I remember, or at least as long as I remember the fact that I was larger than other girls my age was talked about openly among my classmates. 

I remember having to wear "plus sized" girls clothes.  A size 16.  And how difficult it was to find clothes in my size that were cute and that I liked.  At some point, probably in 5th or 6th grade, I transitioned to adult sized clothes.  I wore a freaking size 10 women's shoe by 6th grade!  Of course, I was probably one of the tallest girls in school by that point as well, or at least in the top 5 tallest, if I recall correctly.  But I was also a larger body frame, too.

Words that kids say to other kids that aren't like everyone else can be really damaging.  I remember some of the things that were said to me, many in fact, but the words that stung me the most came from my own grandmother.  I'm not even going to repeat them here, and if you ask me privately, it's likely that I won't repeat it privately, either, so please just don't ask (that goes for you too, Mom....and Clydie.....and Brian....Don.....Contanya....yep, just no one ask me!).  In fact, I shared the words she spoke to me when I was in junior high school to one of my good friends just the other day.  I don't know that I have EVER shared the words with anyone else before that, and I don't want to give the words any more power in my life than they already have taken from me. 

But don't get me wrong - no one criticizes me today, at least not publicly or where I see it or hear it.  My husband is the most supportive person - he has NEVER said a negative word about me that would further damage my delicate self-esteem.  In fact, he does everything he can to build me up, to help me overcome my self-esteem issues, to encourage me to change what I want to about myself, but only if I am truly the one that wants to make the change.  He loves me just like I am.  I know my family and true friends are the same as well.

Anyways, my point in this post is just to say that I am okay, I am not having a self-esteem crisis or pity party, and please don't feel the need to post comments or send messages - seriously.  I am not fishing for comments (good, bad or indifferent) or compliments.  Those recent posts were because I ran across writings that just spoke to me and thought I'd share in case others have the same feelings at times. 

There's one more writing I found recently I want to share, and I will post it here shortly.  It's about how women should support each other, finding the positives in each other, rather than tearing each other down or being jealous about something that another woman has as far as her appearance goes.  And here's one more link to a blog that I like, that frequently talks about body love and self-esteem:  Expose....Shedding Light on Collective Beauty.  The Militant Baker is AWESOME!!!  If only I could have her mindset about body love and acceptance.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Self Esteem....or the lack thereof

Self esteem is a funny thing.  Those that you would think have a lot of it, sometimes have very little to none.  And those very people sometimes put on the biggest fronts that they have self-esteem out the ass, yet on the inside, they have none.

Ok, I've borrowed a writing from someone from another site, and this really does hit home for me:
What it's like inside the brain of someone who's not body confident

There are days when I'm good, and days when I'm not so good. These below are the not so good (sometimes irrational) days.

A compliment must be turned into a self deprecating joke, because anything else makes you uncomfortable.

Reading something written with you in mind, you will automatically pick and obsess on the one thing that in your mind they've highlighted as a flaw, even when their intention was the exact opposite.
The hands of loved ones on you in the wrong place can make you want to flinch away. Not because they're touching you, but because they're touching a part of you that you view as flawed and if they're touching it it'll bring attention to it, and then they'll notice (since the only way they're still there is because they haven't noticed yet, and bless their blindness).

You are legitimately worried that by sitting in someone's lap you're going to cut off circulation to their legs or squash them. You say this in jest, but it eats at the back of your mind.

Similarly, if someone picks you up, you worry about their back and generally request to be put down immediately. You don't want to hurt them because they've underestimated your size/weight.

You've learnt not to say most of the things you think about yourself, unless they can be phrased in such a way that people think you're joking.

You don't want pity, and compliments always feel like the token "make the awkward one feel pretty" gesture, even when you know the person is sincere.

You learnt very early on that resting bitch face and false bravado will get you through most uncomfortable situations. You're probably a little too good at them now, since it's hard to do anything else.

Your level of comfort isn't always a direct relationship to your state of dress. You can be just as uncomfortable covered neck to ankle as you can be completely naked (though completely naked is generally worse).

Sometimes it's good to know what's going inside the brains of people, and body image is one of those things I think everyone struggles with at some point. I thought it'd be good to see it from the inside.

Okay - who else has these same feelings some times?  How do you deal with it?

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Time for Some Fun!

I just remembered a really funny exchange we had in the car recently - this really should be in another installment of "Funny Shit My Family Says" but I'm going to put it here anyway.  **Mild language warning**  So Brian and Steven have taken to telling each other (and me and Clydie - lord knows they wouldn't want to leave us out) to "shut your whore mouth".  We're in the car and they are starting up with this, and Brian says it to his mother, so she says "shut up you whore lover" to him, and Steven immediately jumps in with "what you tryna say about my momma?!?!?"  That stopped the shenanigans because it cracked us all up!

I know we're not couth and polite at times, but we have fun.  I don't care if people think we're crude, our lives together are about loving one another and having fun, and if we have fun in a crude fashion, then so be it.  We are having fun! 

I grew up in a fun-loving household, although we generally weren't crude or loud about it (well, except for farts - farts are ALWAYS funny, and usually call for some really loud laughter).  In fact, my  mother would probably have a heart attack if she went out in public and secretly viewed how we are at times.  She should NEVER go shopping with us at Sam's Club, by the way.  (I am VERY thankful for a successful bladder surgery after those trips!)  Sure, we get some annoyed looks at times, but most of the time the people around us are laughing with us, and even join in on the funny comments. 

Steven's favorite thing to joke about is Brian's height.  He's always making short jokes (for those of you who don't know, Brian is about 5'6", I'm 5'8", and Steven is around 6' - he's not the shortest in the household, that would be Clydie, at around 5'2" or so).  Steven LOVES cracking on Brian about his height - it's usually pretty damn funny, too.  And Brian and Steven both crack on Clydie for being the oldest in the bunch.  I get picked on for being the natural "blond" in the family (yes, I'm a natural ditz, haven't been naturally blond since I was about 3 years old), and for taking after Meme in some ways (repeating stories, forgetting things, you know - the getting OLD shit that happens to us all eventually).

I had a great birthday Friday - we had originally planned to go to Kennesaw Mountain to walk some trails, but there was a 40% chance of rain and thunderstorms and we decided not to go, we didn't want to get caught out in thunderstorms on a mountain.  We had some other errands to run and just spent some good family time together.  Ran a few more errands yesterday and cleaned house. 

Today we're having some friends over for a cookout - can't wait to see them and spend time with them!  Momma Clydie is making stuffed mushrooms and jalapeno poppers to go with the burgers and brats we're gonna be grilling later.  It's about time for me to go start prep work so that all I have to do later is pop everything on the grill and then it's eating time!

I hope you all had a great weekend!

Friday, August 1, 2014

For when you think nobody will love you....

This is borrowed from someone at another website, but damn I have felt this way at times in my life.  It's a constant struggle for someone who has battled self-esteem issues for most of their life.

You can never quite remember the actual moments when someone says that they love you for the first time. You wait for it so long, practice how you will respond, prevent yourself from saying it before them (you wouldn’t want to look desperate), and then it happens, and it’s like you go temporarily deaf. There is a ringing, like a TV show that has cut off to go to an emergency announcement. This is an emergency announcement. And you can’t even hear it. It’s almost like your brain doesn’t want to process these words, because then you’d have to acknowledge them, and not just in your imagination.
Besides, everyone who has ever said that to you before has left, so you might as well not even listen.

“I love you” will mean nights staying up watching someone sleep next to you, wondering why they haven’t left you already, wondering when they will. It means having to be naked with them with the lights all the way up, stinging every dimpled plane of your body with unforgiving clarity. It means having to take the risk that, as has happened so many times before, you will be disappointed. You will be proven wrong. You will live the reality of that fear you always have, the fear where they wake up one day and look in the mirror and say “What was I doing here? I could do so, so much better than this.”

So you have chosen aloneness. You have chosen the security and the relative freedom of solitude, because there is no risk involved. You can stay up every night and watch your TV shows and eat ice cream out of the box and scroll through your Tumblr and never let your brain sit still, not even for a moment. You can fill your days up with books and coffees and trips to the store where you forget what you wanted the second you walk in the automatic sliding door. You can do so many little, pointless things throughout the day that all you can think of is how badly you want to sleep, how heavy your whole body is, how much your feet hurt. You can wear yourself out again and again on the pavement, and you do, and it feels good.

And if you need to get laid, you can. You can go on a website and order a date night like you would a value menu at Burger King and have them in your bed before you can even refuse the dessert menu at the restaurant. You don’t have to turn the lights on, because they don’t know you. You don’t have to worry about whether or not they will leave in the morning, because you know that they will. Everything is up-front, so nothing has to be a disappointment. Not like “I love you.”

Sometimes, you think that no one has ever loved you. You have almost flippantly doubted it, even when someone was saying it to you. Even if they are saying it to you today. Because, though you wouldn’t like to admit it, you’re not terribly sure that you love yourself. You reject all of the simpering notions in beauty magazines and you learn to say nice things about yourself when you look in the mirror. If someone asked, you could provide an objective list of your qualities. But you’re not sure that “loving yourself” is something you ever really learned how to do.

Sometimes, you wonder if everyone is faking it, even the people who seem to have it all down to a science.  Because you’ve never looked at yourself and felt blown away by the privilege of being in your own body, of having your own mind, of living your own life. You’ve never felt that thrilling infatuation, that deep connection, that shit-eating grin kind of pride. Not about yourself. And maybe someone else did, but every time they told you that they loved you, it was as though the words had gone through several translating programs before they came back to your ears. You kind of knew what they were trying to say, but it was an expression whose meaning you didn’t really recognize. They said, “I love you,” and you said “You too.”

You think that no one ever will, because how could they? No one will ever bridge that gap and point to your stomach or your hair or your eyes in the mirror and magically make you see the wonderful things about getting to be next to you. And maybe that’s it, after all, this fear that no one will ever truly feel about you the way you want to be felt about. Maybe what you want is someone to make you love yourself, to put sense into all that positive rhetoric, to make it so the aloneness of TV and blasting music in your ears at all times isn’t the most happy place you can think of. Maybe you want someone who makes you so sure of how wonderful things are that you cannot help but to tell them your feelings first, even at the risk of being humiliated. Because you will know that, when you’re telling them you love them, what you’re really saying is “I love who I become when I am with you.”