Monday, January 31, 2011

Nothing fancy....

No fancy titles, no profound words to say.  Just wanted to write about things in general, and in no particular order.

I picked Mom and Marion up from the airport yesterday.  They had a great time in England, and I think Mom is ready to just go on over there and get moved in somewhere.  The wound on her nose is healing, but she still has a huge scabbed place on the bridge of her nose and down.  (she missed a step-down in the apartment building and fell flat on her face, in case I didn't mention it before or if you're not keeping up).  Otherwise she looked great.

Brian and I went to Repticon yesterday.  He's interested in getting a male snake to breed his female with, but the ones we found were a little pricier than he wanted to go, so we came home with no new critters.  Steven even got better around the snakes and wasn't freaking out around them.  He still didn't want to touch them, but he wasn't acting all crazy like Mom would around them.

We took Prissy (the snake) to a boy scout meeting today for show and tell.  The boys there loved it!  And there was this little girl there, the little sister of one of the scouts - she was so cute and she just loved the snake.  In fact, when we put Prissy back in the carrier, that little girl came up and demanded that we take her back out so she could play with her.  She had no fear at all of the snake.  Steven even touched Prissy a lot more than he ever has, and said he wasn't as spooked by her after going to Repticon yesterday and watching all these kids younger than him letting us drape the snake over them for pictures.

At dinner last night, Brian told Mom she needed to be in town to deal with me when he gets deployed.  We have the mobilization date, but they haven't gotten their final alert orders yet.  I know deployments come with the territory in the military, but I was honestly thinking he'd be done and out before his unit got deployed.  I was so hoping this wouldn't happen.  I had a mini-meltdown the other night about it and of course Michael made fun of me because it's months away!  He is a meanie!  He knows I'm an emotional person.  Turd.

Got me some new shoes to wear to the gym and some new pants.  I needed them as my "old" shoes are stretched out from wearing the ankle brace in them, and I think they're probably a little too wide to begin with, as they are men's shoes.  Yes, I got in the habit of buying mens sneakers because they are wider, and it's easier to get them in a size that fits the length of my foot.  Finding 11's in women's shoes is not always easy, but I did it today.  I went to the Shoe Dept. at Arbor Place Mall and found me a pair of Nike's.  In the whole store, in athletic shoes, they had maybe 8 prs of 11's out of at least 100 different kinds of shoes.  That's just wrong in my opinion, to have such a small selection.

I wanted the bright yellow pants to wear to the gym, but alas, they didn't have my size.  So I got me some neon green ones and a pair of black capris.  I want some of those long shorts that I guess are like bike shorts, that come just above the knee, but didn't see them at the store tonight.  Gotta have some of those for summer time.  It feels like spring has sprung this weekend - the temps hit close to 70, the lizards are out at mom's house, the dog is shedding up a storm, and I've seen some flowers in bloom in the neighborhood.

So tomorrow I think I'm doing the step interval class again.  I hate it but it works me good.

Okay my honey says to type "the end - time to go night night with the honey" good night everybody!  Gonna go shower then snuggle!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Here we go again with the vivid dreams.  In past blogs on another website, I've discussed dreams that I've had.  Some good, some bad, some indifferent.  Some I can put my finger on why I'd be having them, some I have no clue.

It's been a while since I've had vivid dreams that I can remember.  When I say "a while", I mean probably 2-3 months or longer.  One of the dreams this week follows a common theme, and is similar to others I've had.  It's actually more of a nightmare.  It involves going back to college.  This particular dream involved me starting college, I don't know what college, and I was in an electric scooter.  I was in a building, trying to get out so I could head to registration to add a music class (seems I was on scholarship again and totally forgot to sign myself up for a music ensemble).  I couldn't get out of the building because it wasn't wheelchair/scooter friendly.  I don't know why I was on this electric scooter, I was looking at myself and feeling my legs in the dream, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I just assumed I had hurt my ankle again.  I never did make it out of the building.

Similar dreams to this one usually involve me showing up for the final exam in some math-related class, having skipped all semester long, and freaking out over worrying about passing the final and the class.  I never do make it into the classroom and see the test.  it's just weird that I keep having dreams like that!

The other vivid dream I had, had something to do with my ex-husband.  I can't recall off the top of my head the specifics, but I know it involved him.  I'm not sure what keeps sparking dreams about him - I don't think about him very often at all.

Okay, time for off-subject talk.  It's a bad week for me emotionally.  PMS just sucks the joy and happiness right out of my life.  I go from the "glass half full" kind of person to the "glass is half empty so you might was well just pour that shit out" kind of person.  There is a lot stress at work, and I'm just having a personal pity party about this whole working out/losing weight situation.  I sat in the car on the way home from Gold's last night, thinking about how damn long it's going to take me to lose the weight I want to lose, and wonder if I'm ever going to get into the physical shape that I want to be in.

Then I remembered - hey, you've probably lost/gained 200+lbs in your lifetime overall, you can do this again. It's only a little over 50lbs to goal.  And I also remember that the weight didn't appear overnight, so it's not going to disappear overnight, either.  Damn that's frustrating and downright discouraging at times!  Makes me get mad at myself for letting myself get like this again.

Onto happier things - Brian, Steven and I had dinner with Michael, Amanda and her daughter, Avery.  It's the first time I've gotten to see Avery and she is absolutely adorable.  If you have access to my pictures on Facebook, there is an album of pictures of her from tonight.

Okay, I'm up past my bedtime, somebody spank me!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Well, it's Hump Day!

***okay, here's the proverbial warning that if you don't want to know intimately personal details about me, including medical stuff and womanly things, then you just might want to stop here and try my blog out another day***What a day.  Seems like yesterday's horoscope lingered over to today somewhat.  Today's horoscope was waaaayyyyy off target:The day could get off to a rocky start, as you and your loved one will likely
get into an argument first thing in the morning. Take heart, Deanna. By the
middle of the day will be well again. Your mate may send flowers to your desk as
a show of their affection, or might even surprise you with airplane tickets to
some wonderful destination. Actually, if he or she does not do these things for
you, why don't you? Reconciliation can be expensive, but lots of fun!

There were no arguments in this household this morning, all was peaceful and happy.  Well, except for Steven being extra difficult to wake up for school.  But still, it was a peaceful, calm morning, no bickering, no arguments, not even any raised voices.  
But, I'm "off" today, and have been a little bit this week (yes, it's that wondrous thing known as PMS).  I think it's not as brutal this time around since I started working out this week - I'm working off some of the frustrations and evil thoughts in those lovely group classes I torture myself with.  The point of this is that Brian noticed it when he talked to me on the phone.  I'm not my usual bubbly, cheerful self this week.  And it worries him sometimes, although there's nothing to worry about.  Yesterday and today have been really trying days for me at work, for a number of reasons, none of which I will go into here, other than to say - we really, really need to make the tshirts we discussed at lunch yesterday (for those that missed where I wrote about it, I believe the quote that would go on the tshirts is "things may look okay on the surface, but in my mind I've already killed you three times"), AND I really need a relaxing, fun vacation.Anyway, enough about the boredom of my daytime life.  Onto the fun stuff - Gold's Gym.  Tonight I participated in the Group Power class, which is a barbell workout.  I do believe that my back will be at least somewhat sore tomorrow, because I could really feel some of the muscles stretch and get taxed a lot in the workout.  My legs got ANOTHER day of hell, and my arms actually felt a good burn tonight.Tomorrow is a day off, as we are meeting Amanda and Avery for dinner at Moe's - gonna finally get my nacho fix!  Back at the workouts on Friday!Mom and Marion will be back on Saturday afternoon - yay!!!!Anyone going to Repticon this weekend?  let me know, maybe we can meet up!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Luckily my day got better (see my first post today, regarding my horoscope).  Again, it comes down to the Serenity Prayer - changing the things I can, accepting the things I can't, figuring out what's what, and changing my reactions to the things that won't change.

Saw a funny status on Facebook last night - "on the surface I look okay, but in my mind I've already killed you three times".  I've seen similar quotes before, and just find that really funny.  Some of us at work have decided we want tshirts with that quotation on them.

Went to the Group Centergy class tonight - yoga and Pilates.  Other than the good stretching I got, and I did manage to sweat, I didn't care for it much, especially the stuff to do with balance.  Yeah, my ability to balance on one foot with the other one up in the air behind me really sucks.  LOL  I've noticed tonight that my upper body is a tad bit tender, not as much as the lower body, but more than I expected.  I'm not sure if that's leftover from last night's interval class, or added on to what I'm feeling from that.

Tomorrow's options for group class - Group Ride, and Group Power.  I'm not too keen on doing anything with a bicycle right now, or anything that concentrates so heavily on the lower body, since I'm getting back into working out and I'm already tender, so I won't be doing any Ride or Spin classes for now.  Group Power is a barbell program for the major muscle groups, so it looks like that's what I'll be trying tomorrow.

I did manage to get in bed before midnight last night, although I had a few notification text messages come through and the alert on my phone for those woke me up briefly.  Strangely enough I don't remember waking up when Brian came to bed (normally I do, at least long enough to snuggle up and fall back asleep).  And for some reason I was wide awake at 4:15am, but managed to go back to sleep until the alarm went off.  So much for a full, uninterrupted night of sleep.

I failed to get my gym bag or clothes ready before I went to bed, so I had to run around this morning and do it.  I had already packed my lunch before I wrote last night, but I didn't get the coffee pot ready before bed.  Alright alright I didn't follow through on what I challenged myself to start doing, so I've still got some work to do. 

Well, time to get to all the bed time chores now, since I've mentioned them.  Have a great night everyone, and happy early hump day for tomorrow!

My horoscope for today.....

Your horoscope for January 25, 2011 
 This is the sort of day where every sound seems like nails on a chalkboard to you, Deanna. As far as you're concerned, nobody can do anything right. And judging by the reactions of your friends and family members, they are feeling the same way. Do your best to remain calm. Try not to add to the tension that seems to build hourly. If you can go for a brisk walk you will feel markedly better.

I suppose I shouldn't have read this first thing this morning, as I'm sure it has tainted my feelings for the day.  I can say that it is spot on, however, at least so far. EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING, is getting on my nerves at this point.  Honestly, though, I think I'd still feel the same way if I hadn't read the horoscope.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you.....

they're supposed to help you discover who you are.  Challenged I am, in more ways than one it seems.  LOL

Tonight, the challenge was walking into Gold's Gym, alone.  See, my workout partner and best friend, Michael, decided this weekend that he's not ready to start working out.  He can't locate all his gym clothes and other stuff he needs to take with him, so he wants to wait until he moves completely into Mom's to get started with the working out.  I decided that I could put it off no longer....I had a stressful day today, and when I'm stressed, I need to work out - HARD. 

The problem was, I wasn't sure what the class schedule was (I had forgotten to take it with me this morning), and to me it's always scary to walk into a new gym, with a bunch of hard & hot bodies, and feel like I fit in.  I had to talk myself into going and not putting it off until I had my buddy with me.  But, I went, met with Danielle (she works the front desk), and she convinced me to try the Interval Step class.  It didn't hurt that the class instructor came in while I was up front and we got introduced and I got a better explanation of what the class was about.

So I changed clothes and went to the classroom.  I've never done an Interval Step class before, so I wasn't 100% sure of what to expect, or what I needed.  I talked to a couple of the ladies that were in the back of the class and they told me what I needed and suggested which things would be better since it was my first class.  I made sure to get just the basic step (4"), 4lb weights and the green resistance band. 

Let's just say, I didn't need the step, as I had to stop using it after about 10 minutes (this was a 60 minute class) - my legs were almost jello at that point.  But, I modified the steps, being careful too with the ankle, and kept at it.  I remembered how much fun aerobics were in college, and how neat it was to see a room full of people moving in unison (well, almost, except for the out of shape goofs like me lol).

All things considered, it was a kick-ass workout that I enjoyed.  I think I will enjoy it better once I'm in better shape, but I felt so much more burn today than I EVER did at Curves.  I'm not gonna knock Curves, though, it was a great concept and it started me back on the road to fitness and really did a lot for me.  Between not having a workout buddy since Mom is moving, and the fact that Michael and I wanted to work out together, and also I really wanted to start working out somewhere that had weights and such, I think a gym is a better choice for me at this stage.

I'm looking at tomorrow's schedule, and the classes offered at 5:30pm are Group Kick (martial arts & boxing) and Group Centergy (yoga and Pilates).  I know I can't handle the Kick class tomorrow, I anticipate my lower body will be sore or at least abused feeling from today's workout, so I think I'll try the Centergy class.  I want to at least try each class they offer, at one point or another, then I can choose my favorites and alternate them as they are offered, that way I won't get bored and my body won't settle into a routine and hit a plateau.

Have I mentioned lately how much I really HATE exercising?????  Crazy, I know, but I also realize that exercise is a necessary evil when it comes to losing weight and getting in shape.  I also realize that I will start to feel better and the stress in my life will go down significantly once I get back into it again. 

This is something I have to do for ME, and only ME.  I am not doing this for Brian, or because of anything anyone has said to me or about me.  I am so thankful to have a man in my life that loves me for me, not for what my body looks like.  He knows that at times I have insecurities about my weight, health, and the way I look, and he is so very supportive.  I never have to worry about him picking on me, or chiding me, or putting me down for the way I look, whether I'm in perfect shape or am overweight. 

More challenges for me:
*start getting more sleep at night, and try to stick to a decent bedtime schedule.  I'm going to shoot for bedtime by 11pm, midnight at the latest (you really don't wanna know what time I've been going to bed the last few months). 
*get my lunch ready before bed
*get my gym clothes ready before bed
*lay out the next day's clothes before bed

I waste so much time in the mornings picking out my clothes for work, and packing my lunch and gym clothes.  This is such a no-brainer time saver, and I have GOT to start doing it!  No nonsense!

Okay, to try to meet the challenge about bedtime, I've got to go.  Goodnight peeps!

more t

Saturday, January 22, 2011

From not so good, to good, and back to not so good....

Hmmm, got up this morning not feeling so great.  Throat was scratchy and hot feeling, had a headache, and my nose was stopped up.  Not to mention that I felt drugged (worse than usual) yet I had gotten more than enough sleep.  I figure I'm probably coming down with whatever bug Brian had earlier this week, but God I hope not.

Once I got up and moving around, we got ready and met some people from Myyearbook for lunch at La Parrilla in McDonough.  I had to pop a BC powder and drink some Coke before we got there, and that helped a LOT with the headache.  The lunch meet was interesting, as we didn't know these people, but we had a good time and the food is good.  I really liked the flavor of the salsa, although I prefer chunky salsa and this was not.

We ran a lot of errands afterwards - Sally Beauty Supply, Target, Sam's Club, Best Buy, and Petsmart.  Once we got home and relaxed a bit, I hit a few toes on Steven's desk chair.  Owie!!!  That almost made me cry!  But after I got over it I made some tomato soup and grilled cheeses sandwiches for us, and then I noticed that my left eye was bothering me. 

The more I've sat here, the worse my eye has gotten.  It's red, and running fluid from it.  I had this happen a few weeks ago and I knew it wasn't pink-eye then, and I know it's not pink-eye now.  I'm pretty sure I just have "cold" in my eye.  I'm trying to remember the last time this happened, whether I wore my contacts or not.  I know I've worn the contacts since that last episode, so I suppose it isn't that.  Oh well, gonna dope up on a lot of cold meds tonight and tomorrow and hopefully that will rid me of the congestion, and I tossed the contacts and will replace them with a fresh pair for next time I wear them.

And of course, thanks to the nachos and jalapenos today, my tummy is hurting!  But they were so very yummy!!!  Nyquil and my bed are calling my  name - good night everybody!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Life is what you make of it - to change your life, you need to change your priorities....

How true that is - life is what you make of it.  You, and only you, are responsible for you.  If you work to make a good life for yourself, then you will likely have a good life.  If you always expect to fail, then guess what - you will likely live a life filled with failures.

I have gotten so discouraged over the past 2-3 months when it comes to my personal self.  I haven't been to Curves since early December, and it's starting to show, not just physically, but mentally.  There are various reasons I quit going - haven't felt well, gotten pissed off withe some of the things going on there, they are doing that Zumba stuff and charging extra to do it, and not letting you do your regular workout at the same time. 

I guess the beginning of the end for me with Curves was the night Mom told me they were moving to England.  I was just too emotionally devastated that night to try to get myself together and go.  Then the holidays came, and went, and here we are, 2/3 of the way through January, and I haven't been since the first week of December. 

Besides the physical effects of not working out (losing stamina, putting on a few pounds, being tired all the time again), not working out has had a major effect on my emotional status.  I'm a lot more tense than when I worked out regularly, things get on my nerves much more easily, and I'm just even more emotional than usual.  I need that outlet to get the stress out of my system.

I've decided that I'm going to switch to either Bally's or Gold's, and am going to go with Michael.  He's eligible to join certain gyms at no charge through his insurance, so we are going tomorrow afternoon to check out Bally's.  It's time to get off my ass and get it in gear and meet my goals this year!

And that goes in hand with changing my priorities to change my life.  I have GOT to lose weight, not just for cosmetic reasons and to feel better about myself, but for my health - my cholesterol is slightly elevated, as are my triglycerides, and there is a family history of heart disease and diabetes on both sides of the family that I want to avoid becoming another statistic of.  I also want to get healthy and try to stop the chronic fatigue that plagues me on a daily basis.  Of course it doesn't help that I deprive myself of sleep, not because I have insomnia, but because I just don't allow myself to get the sleep that my body needs.  But I would just love it if there came a time in my life where I got an appropriate amount of sleep, and was able to wake up not feeling drugged, and get through my day without nodding off or feeling dreadfully tired all day.

This also goes hand in hand with the Serenity Prayer that I mentioned in my previous blog - changing what I can, accepting what I can't change, and being smart enough to figure out what is what.  I know I can change my sleeping habits, I just have to make myself.  It's kind of funny to think that when I had my surgery back in April last year, I got probably 14-16 hours of sleep a day for about a week, while the anesthesia and other drugs worked their way out of my system.  Then when Brian started staying over regularly in May, slowly moving in, I would crash out by 9pm most nights.  He would wake me up long enough to take my meds, brush my teeth, and then I'd go right back to sleep.

I was actually getting a pretty good amount of sleep every night, but unfortunately I still felt drained.  I assumed it was because I'd had the surgery and the drugs were still working their way out of my system, and also because I was wearing myself out on the crutches every day.  Then I let myself slide back into the bad sleeping habits, or should I say, staying up til too late at night (kinda like tonight LOL) and still having to get up early for work.

When we were out of work last week due to the weather, I made up for a lot of my sleep, and thought maybe I would feel better and be inspired to stick to a more normal, reasonable schedule.  Nope!  Not me! 

Anyways, I've got some attitude adjustments to do on myself, and some bad habits to break and change, but I will get there.  I always do.

Accept it, change it, or leave it....

OMG I could just cry.  I had this wonderful blog written, at least 5 paragraphs, and *poof*, "internet explorer has stopped working".  And of course the damn draft last saved before I had written.  That's what happens when you type as fast as I do.  So, maybe I can try it again here and hopefully get to the points that I was making.Accept it, change it, or leave it.....That's the abbreviated version of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Okay off subject for a moment, sort of - I am STILL mistyping "serenity", mixing up the i and the t, and I AGAIN added an "e" to the end of wisdom.  Same brain fart I see.  Grrr. (and yes, I went back and corrected the errors LOL)
I'm having to rely heavily on the Serenity Prayer these days.  I've come to the conclusion that those that annoy me will not change.  Some of them I have asked to change, others I have not because I know it would fall on deaf ears.  Those that I have asked, pretend that they are deaf and don't hear, or choose to ignore me.  That's fine, I've made my requests known and put the proverbial ball in their court, but they have so far refused to change.  At least I'm smart enough to realize that they won't change, and now have the opportunity to make changes within myself so that I can better accept them.  Over the last year or so, I've found an inner peace that comes from realizing that you can't change others to conform to your expectations, you have to work on yourself and how you deal with them.  I still get bent out of shape sometimes over things, but not like I used to.  They are not worth it.

I also came to realize, after having dinner with an old college roommate last year, that I cannot hold someone responsible for another's behavior, or expect them to "fix" the problem.  Amy and I had a wonderful dinner, and talked about a lot of different things, remembered old times, and talked about the "new" things in our lives.  I had told her about a particular situation that I was experiencing, and how I had been reacting to it, and she asked me how I thought it was fair to hold the one person responsible for the other person's behavior.  It was like a light bulb went off in my head.  I knew I couldn't do that.  So I started dealing with the problem myself, which still hasn't fixed the problem, but I can deal with that.Leaving it isn't alway an option and of course depends on the situation, and whether you can accept the circumstances where change won't happen in others.  Now, y'all please don't think I'm talking about my relationship with Brian, I'm not.  But now that I've mentioned it, I will say this - whenever you're in a relationship with another person, you do have to think of the Serenity Prayer throughout, but especially at the beginning.When you meet someone and start to learn about the person, and what their values and ideals are, you have to think "can I deal with this person if they never, ever change anything about themselves, EVER."  If there's anything about the person that bothers you, you have to think if it's small enough or unimportant enough to accept, or if it's a so-called "leave it" issue.  What you might find cute today, might drive you nuts next year and then you'll be faced with the "can I accept this, or is this a leave it issue".
I had written more than this, but am ill now because the stupid internet keeps “breaking”, and I keep losing some of this.  I suppose from now on I will write in MS Word, then copy and paste it into the blog.  What a royal pain in the ass!!!!!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Here we go!

Okay, so my blog title is probably just a little misleading.  I probably won't be posting a lot about sex, but there may be some talk of lies and/or broken promises.  I actually came up with the blog title a little over 2 years ago, when I was going through a difficult time with my boyfriend.  I was mad, and hurt, and came up with that title in anticipation of having to spill a lot of tears and hard feelings in a blog.  Anyways, things have worked out beautifully, and we are very, very happy. 

I had been blogging on my Myspace account, but none of my friends go there anymore, and honestly, the only person that reads my blogs now is my stalker.  I actually write a lot of things that are directed to the stalker, but there are entries that aren't in any way related to that situation. 

For anyone that might be concerned, I don't feel that I'm in any danger from this stalker.  This person never contacts me directly, they only post status updates on a bogus profile they create on another social website, and these status updates are sometimes quite ugly and are usually directed at me and/or my boyfriend.  I know that this stalker is one (or more) of a handful of people, and I know that they are located in Missouri (thanks to tracking program 

I suppose I could delete my Myspace profile and the profile on the other social website, but I put a lot of work into creating both of those profiles, and have a ton of pictures stored on them both.  In fact, I think I may just have close to 1,000 pictures stored on the Myspace profile alone.  If you want to leave a comment with your 2 cents on whether I should delete those profiles, please feel free to do so.

But back to this blogging business.  Besides talking to my stalker, I use the blog to vent.  I vent about a lot of things.  I get angry about things, upset about things, etc.  I speak my mind, and at times that involves profanity.  I talk about my family, and my friends.  I talk about my failed marriage and my feelings towards my exhusband, and that whole situation. 

Things get ugly sometimes.  Really ugly.  But most of the time it's just middle of the road kind of ramblings.  I sometimes write poetry and post it.  Recipes.  Instructions for things.  Jokes.  Whatever I'm in the mood to write.  I don't write every day.  Sometimes I will go a week or more without writing.  I tend to write more when I've got a lot going on emotionally.  Or not.  There really is no rhyme or reason to it.  So, check in once in a while to see what's new.