Monday, March 31, 2014

This is hard, but here we go....

I saw this posted on Facebook the other day, and shared it (click on the link to read the article if you haven't already seen it elsewhere - the link is safe).  I think I've pulled this very prank on Facebook or MySpace in the past, not necessarily for April Fools day, but just in general.  I never thought about it being offensive to anyone until I saw this post.  And now I know personally how it strikes home.

See, I've been trying to get pregnant since Brian returned from his deployment at the end of September 2012.  This isn't something I've shared with many people, as I didn't really want to get the "oh you're too old to be having babies" and the "I can't believe you want to start over again, you've almost got Steven out of the house", etc.  It's something we've wanted and have tried to do, but apparently it's just not meant to be for us.  The doctor said that while it appears that I have plenty of eggs, am still ovulating and my cycles are still like clock work, the quality of my eggs due to age is most likely the contributing factor to no pregnancy yet, and I am also probably starting up with the "peri-menopause".  I imagine the adenomyosis is playing a part in things, too.  She offered to refer me to a specialist, but after telling me that they would likely give me drugs to make me hyper-ovulate, harvest the eggs, pick the best ones (if any were viable), and go the IVF route,  I told her that's not a route I wanted to take, that if it was meant to be, it would happen the good old-fashioned (& fun!) natural way.

Talk about making a girl feel OLD. 

I don't know what bothers me more - the fact that I will not have another child, or the fact that I'm realizing that my body is getting OLD. 

So, I go to work after seeing the doctor Thursday, not realizing how much her words would weigh on my heart and my mind.  Fought tears all day long.  I messaged Brian to tell him what she said, and thankfully he didn't call me to discuss it further, I don't think I could have held myself together.  I had to carefully calculate what to say to a couple of coworkers that I share things with, so that I could manage telling them and still maintain composure, and I managed okay.  But I got home, had dinner, and went straight to sleep on the couch.  I didn't want to deal with it.

When I woke up around 11pm and decided to peruse Facebook before crashing for the night, there were a ton of photos of beautiful pregnant women, babies, posts about folks waiting to go into labor - it was like Facebook was rubbing it in my face and torturing me with something I can't have that I've so desperately wanted for the last year and a half.  I had myself a good cry, talked to Brian about it, and then we went to sleep.

I'm sharing here because I would love for people to stop pranking others about fake pregnancies.  It really can be hurtful and offensive to some people.  You won't lose my friendship if you choose to do it anyway, but just think about how your words and/or actions may affect others.

I'm not sharing here to get sympathy, or be inundated with comments, emails, private messages, phone calls or texts.  I don't mind the comments here, but please - don't email me or send me messages or call me about this.  I'm still processing it, and it's still very raw and I'm pretty emotional at times over it.  And for the love of all things sacred - DON'T message me to tell me anything negative about why it's good that I'm not pregnant, or that I shouldn't want to be.  That might be your opinion, but I don't want to hear it.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Another Mommy Moment....

So I've warned my son that because he is a senior in high school this year, I would likely be a weeping mess of a mother at various times, and he just better get used to it.  I mean, I'm a weeping mess occasionally, for one reason or another, or sometimes even no reason, but anyone who's raised a child I think understands the emotional aspect to your babies growing up into adults.  I mean, I wept when we took him to the airport to fly to England for the summer last year. 

Tonight is prom.  PROM. ALREADY!!!  March 22.  I just cannot believe my son will be dressing in a tuxedo and escorting a beautiful young woman to dinner and the prom.  Here he is, trying on his tuxedo Thursday evening:

Steven & his Star Jones arms - they got him a 2XL shirt - 18 inch neck - I don't think so! Luckily they had the correct size in the back and swapped it out.  (and if you don't get the reference to Star Jones - she was quite overweight, had gastric bypass surgery and lost a lot of weight fast, and Family Guy made fun of her "arm wings" that were left after losing all that weight)
There's my boy, dressed in the tux:
I asked him why he makes this face often when he takes pictures - he said "because I don't know how to smile".  I'll take this quirky look over that Miley Cyrus tongue hanging out look (she claims she doesn't know how to smile and act when having her picture made - she just looks plain STUPID with her damn tongue hanging out):
Okay, I'm not sure why this picture is over to the right instead of centered, but oh well - this is the mask for his prom - their theme is Masquerade.  He wanted the Phantom of the Opera type mask, painted like Gene Simmons.  Yes, I did this myself, drew it on with pencil, and painted it.  Turned our pretty good, didn't it?

And here's my boy in the yard this afternoon, wearing his mask.  I can't wait to see him in his tux, with his mask!  And with that pretty brunette on his arm!
Lord, don't let me cry tomorrow when I see him all gussied up!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Irish Prayer for St. Patrick's Day

Take time to work,

It is the price of success,

Take time to think,

It is the source of power.

Take time to play,

It is the secret of perpetual youth.

Take time to read,

It is the foundation of wisdom.

Take time to be friendly,

It is the road to happiness.

Take time to love and be loved,

It is the privilege of the gods.

Take time to share,

Life is too short to be selfish.

Take time to laugh,

Laughter is the music of the soul.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

I love the way he loves me.....

Sitting here today, scrolling through photos, I came across one of the photos from our wedding - it's one of my favorites:

He had just smeared cake all over my lips, and kissed me right afterwards.  There's just something about the intensity on his face, and his hand on my face, that just makes my heart melt.

Here's one from the day before the wedding:

He was being silly and stuck a piece of dove confetti on his forehead, to make me laugh.  I had gotten pretty upset during the set-up process at the venue, because we had about 10 people there to help and everyone had a different idea of how to set up.  No one was working together, and most importantly, no one was considering how I wanted things.  I had myself a little Bridezilla moment, and Brian reminded me that the most important thing about our wedding day was that it was our wedding day - the set up didn't matter, who sat where didn't matter, how things looked didn't matter - the only thing that was important on that day would be saying our vows and making that commitment to love and cherish each other, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, til death do us part.  So glad he said all those things to me, because otherwise I would have been absolutely freaking out when the wedding cake didn't show up until during the ceremony.  I was so calm, cool and collected on our wedding day, it was surreal.

Here's another picture that I just love - he was nuzzling into my neck, getting all smoochy, all the while trying to convince me that he wasn't going to smear cake all over my face.

Thankfully, he didn't smear cake all over me, just my lips.
One more of my favorites - we were waiting for the chaplain to finish signing our marriage license/certificate, to make our union legal:

I'm missing my husband this weekend - he's away at drill.  Not a weekend drill, but a week long thing (yeah reserves - 1 weekend a month, 2 weeks a year - they split the 2 weeks and he'll be doing the 2nd week later this year).  So it's just my son and me, like before Brian and I got married.  It sure has been quiet, and it really sucks not having my cuddle buddy at night.  Of course the pups are still here, and they can't wait to go to bed at night.

Our lives aren't perfect, my husband isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. 

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Such a beautiful day....

Today it is absolutely gorgeous outside.  Warm, sunshiny, slight breeze in the air.  And I most likely won't be able to do more than just sit out there an enjoy it, when I want to work out there!  I want to get out the rake and rake the leaves away from the bushes next to the garage, and find some other stuff to do out there.  But alas, I have done something to my back and I think sitting and watching would be about the extent of my abilities today outside.

I woke up yesterday morning with a feeling in my back like I'd been in bed too long.  I wasn't - I laid down Friday night around 11pm, woke up when Brian came to bed WAY too late, went back to sleep, and was up when my alarm went off at 7:30am. (I'll get to why I had an alarm on Saturday morning in a bit).  I figured the stiffness would wear off as I woke up and moved around, but nope, all it did was get worse.

So why did I have an alarm set for Saturday morning?  We took Steven to test for his learners permit!  And he passed!  God help us all!  Brian has volunteered to teach him to drive, so that will not commence for a few more weeks because Brian has school and some army duty coming up.

We ran errands after Steven got his permit, to include lunch and a trip to Home Depot, and when I got home, I took half a pain pill and laid in bed with my heating pad.  I thought it was funny that I could lay on the sore side, but when I laid on the other side, it would hurt the sore side so much worse!  The pain pill nauseated me, which I knew it would, and I slept through some of that, but when I woke up at 9pm to get something to eat, I was fully nauseated.  I ate anyway, because I hadn't had anything since lunch time and I knew I'd feel even worse if I didn't eat.

Back to bed after eating, and slept til the boys woke me up around 8:15 this morning.  I walked them, came in and goofed around a bit, then baked some cocoa cookies for the people and peanut butter cookies are now cooling for the pups.    They LOVE those peanut butter cookies so much - Dominion hung out in the kitchen with me while I was making them. 

Other than the back pain issues, this hasn't been a bad weekend.  Weird dreams, though.  Friday night, I dreamt that my mom-in-law and I had gone somewhere and ran into a pack of dogs that were killers - not of people, as they were very friendly with us, but they were killing other animals they came across.  Then Gabriel pops up in the dream and kills a small shitzhu type dog.  Gabriel has never tried to hurt a dog, other than the one time he mistook a puppy for a squeaky toy, and fortunately he realized it was a living creature that wasn't prey and didn't hurt it. 

Last night, I dreamed that our house was infested with rats and mice, and Dominion and Gabriel were having a field day killing those things.  It was pretty gross.  But the house we were in wasn't the house we actually live in, so I suppose that's a good thing.  I think that dream was sparked by a conversation we had earlier in the weekend about keeping the house clean so that bugs don't set in, and that's why we don't like Steven eating in his room.  Oh well, that conversation and the pain pill.

Well the cookies are done and I'm pooped out for now.  I think I'm gonna shower and take a nap.  I hope you all had a great weekend!