Monday, January 30, 2012

Where do I begin.....

A lot has happened since I wrote last. I'm getting sick, well I AM sick now and am slowly getting better. I skipped the gym a lot last week with the intentions of working around the house to get ready for my mother-in-law to move in, and to avoid getting overheated, and I ended up not doing a whole lot of anything during the week. 99% of what I did, got done Friday night.

We got Ms Clydie moved in with us Saturday, and worked all day around the house, leaving to run a few errands and return the moving truck. I was crashed out in the chair in the living room by 9pm - Steven woke me up at 915pm and walked me to bed! But alas, I was up at 6:50am on Sunday, partly because I felt like I'd slept for 24 hours, and partly because the dogs were ready to go outside by then.

We worked around the house some more, and Ms Clydie made some homemade bread (yum!) and I made chili for dinner.

My cough is somewhat better thanks to MucinexD - damn, I hated spending $26 for 24 pills, but you just can't get an equivalent product for less.

Went to Maggiano's for dinner tonight with some of the FRG wives - love me some italian food, and I think Steven enjoyed being the only guy there (not counting the 2 little kids). He even went and hugged some of the women bye!

Told a lot of old stories on the ride home, about Steven and his brother CJ. I probably talked Ms Clydie's head off, but Steven loves hearing those old stories sometimes.

Got a package from Brian today - he had a local artist do a color pencil portrait of us, from a picture we had made back in August. It is absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to find a great place to hang it. I would take a picture of it and post it on Facebook, but I am feeling incredibly lazy tonight and don't want to do anything else but finish this blog, fart around online and then turn over and go to sleep. Gotta shower first, though, before bedtime, and change the sheets (jersey knit is not a good fabric for sheets when you have 2 huskies that shed like a mofo).

Well folks, time to get off my arse and go shower and get ready for bed. I hope everyone had a great Monday, and here's to a great Tuesday!

Sunday, January 22, 2012


I wish I could make today a lazy day, but there's so much to be done around here. I don't know where to begin. I know I need to just pick a room and get going on it, but it never fails that I will start in one room, then move to another, and another and nothing ever gets finished 100%. It's one of those rainy, gloomy looking days outside, where I'd much rather be cuddled up in bed, watching tv, reading, or doing some cross-stitch, but I have goals to accomplish around the house and need to get moving.

I did get the living room almost done yesterday, but there are still things in there to put away, dusting to do, and maybe some more rearranging of things. I got the dishes done yesterday, well, what would fit in the dishwasher, and there are a few other things that need washing and putting away. Then of course there's the kitchen table that needs to be cleared off. What a freaking mess.

I got a few loads of laundry done yesterday, have a few more to get finished today. I bought one of those rolling clothes racks and stuck it in the corner next to the washer, so that's making it a little easier to deal with the clothes when they come out of the dryer. (I was hanging them on the door knobs and up in the pantry door frame, which was real inconvenient if one of us wanted to go into the pantry)

I've been tossing and turning since around 7am today, the dogs finally made me get up around 9am. We had a good long walk this morning, all the way down to the Family Dollar or Dollar General store (I think that's almost half a mile, one way). Had me an English muffin for breakfast, and I suppose it's time to get moving around this house and do something.

I hope everyone has a great day, and accomplishes whatever it is they have planned for today.

Friday, January 20, 2012


I started this blog entry last night......

I've seen other people use this word to describe themselves in the past, and have made fun of it, laughed about it, even thought it was ridiculous. Knowing the situation(s) that "broke" them, is why I thought about their self-proclamation in the way that I did at the time.

But now I have to suck it up and admit that I'm the broken one now. I have reached a breaking point, and I don't like it. I don't know how to fix it. I am a complete and total emotional wreck. I am stressed out to the max, and don't know how much more I can take.

What has led to this point is really irrelevant. Some of it is being handled, some isn't and can't be, and some needs to be but isn't, for one reason or another.

I awoke with this imminent sense of dread today, not wanting to go to work, but knowing that if I miss a day that it just puts me farther behind from being able to catch up. I honestly wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. Without going into details I ended up reaching my breaking point at the office. I honestly didn't think that I'd be able to finish the day.


And now today, Friday January 20 -

I stopped writing last night because I wasn't sure that I wanted to post this, and I didn't know how to finish it. But I have decided today that I wanted to finish this, and share my weakness with the world. If you think less of me because I am human, I have weaknesses, insecurities, and personal hang-ups about things, then so be it. But until you've walked a mile in my shoes and have experienced the things that I have experienced in life, then don't judge me.

I saw the picture above online yesterday as well, and felt it was almost speaking directly to me. I know I am not alone in the world, and with the things that I deal with. I woke up in a much better frame of mind today than I did yesterday, although I still have a way to go to get to where I want to feel. It all comes to putting things in perspective, and realizing what to worry about, what or who to trust, and what to just let go.

My life is what it is, good, bad or indifferent. Learning to not sweat the small stuff, the inconveniences of life, takes some work - more sometimes than others. Learning to deal with the bigger, more important things, basically takes trial and error. I question my judgement sometimes, on what is a 'big' issue, and what isn't such a big deal.

There is a thing or two that I'm dealing with that I consider to be a pretty big damn deal, but it seems that others may not think it's as big of an issue that I feel these things to be. When you don't see eye to eye with someone regarding how important something is, it causes conflict. I don't always share these feelings with the person with whom I disagree with, as I tend to hold things back, deep inside of me, until I can't take it anymore and it just all comes bubbling out. So the other person doesn't see that it's a problem, until I end up exploding over it.

I know that's not a good thing for me to do, but I've tried to talk rationally, calmly, regarding my feelings about some specific circumstances, and the other person(s) just don't get my point, so I stop trying to explain myself, figuring I'll just agree to disagree, but it really pisses me off. Then my feelings get bottled up, and I end up resentful and more angry than I started off.

Anyways, that's it for now - I'm feeling better tonight than I did yesterday, but I still have a ways to go to get to where I want to be emotionally. I have a LOT to get done this weekend, as I anticipate some major changes coming soon that will be wonderful. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Not a nice thing to say......


Yeah, my momma taught me many things, including the old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all". Well, fuck that shit. I am so pissed right now, it's just not even funny.

My son's phone was stolen from his bookbag at school, by some ignorant, loser, wannabe-thug. I am infuriated with how the school handled it. One of the assistant principals searched the students' bags, but that was it (and Steven said the part he witnessed was done half-ass and no digging around inside the bags or in the side compartments). No emptying of pockets, no "no one leaves this room until the phone is returned", nothing.

I suppose my method of dealing with something like this would be inappropriate, but if it were me having to handle a similar situation, it would be - search the bags, purses, and have them empty their pockets, and shake their clothing out. If the phone doesn't turn up, then NO ONE LEAVES THE ROOM UNTIL THE PHONE IS RETURNED. If that means they stay there until after school is out, then so be it. We all know the thief was in that room, so we all know there is a guilty person in there. No sense in letting them leave the classroom for any reason.

Anyways, the police report was filed, the phone was suspended from service, so now we will wait a day or two and see if the phone is returned undamaged, and if not returned, or returned damaged, then we will file the insurance claim to have the phone replaced.

I am just so sick and tired of the dumbass mother fuckers that go to school with my son. I realize it's not all of the students there, but all it takes is a few morons to ruin it for the rest of them. I also realize that there are "bad kids" at most schools, but unfortunately Clayton County seems to be inundated with these criminals. Every week there is another story about a kid getting in trouble for criminal activity. I am so embarrassed to claim Clayton County as home - I can't wait to get out of this county!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Mind is almost blank.....

I've had all these great ideas floating around in my head for what I wanted to blog about this weekend, but now that it's time to get down to it and write, all those ideas have disappeared. Why?

First of all, I just saw on Facebook where a friend of mine's 26 year old son had a mild heart attack. TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD!!! That is so unreal to imagine, someone that young, having a heart attack.

Secondly - I'm stupidly tired right now. Had I written earlier, perhaps I would have remembered some of what I wanted to say.

Third - well, I can't think of any other reasons as to why I haven't written any blogs this weekend. See second reason. LOL

But seriously, not much went on this weekend.

I went to the gym 5 days in a row last week. I think that's the first time I've done that. I struggled through some of it, and of course I didn't really want to be there, but I did it. Gonna try to do it this week, too.
I'm finally starting to see some very small changes in my body, and I'm really liking that. I can't wait until some major changes appear! I took my measurements Friday morning and I've lost around 3.5 inches overall, which is awesome.

I got locked out of my house last night - long story as to how it happened, but suffice it to say my breaking and entering skills aren't too shabby. It had been a while since I'd had to break into a residence of mine, or a bedroom or bathroom, and this door was very difficult to open. It took about 20 minutes of tinkering with it, but I finally managed to get it open.

Well dang folks, I'm dozing off while writing this, so I will stop for now. I'd hate to write something from deep inside and post it, and for it to be offensive to anyone, or for something I'm not ready to share to be published. I hope y'all had a great weekend, and will have a great week.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Humpity Hump Day!!!

Today was a good day. I didn't hurt from the extra weights in last night's workout, so that was awesome. I can definitely tell that I worked out last night, I just wasn't stiff or in pain like I am sometimes after a tough or new workout.

I didn't have that mysterious pain in my ass today (well, I did, but so mild I hardly noticed it, unless you count some of my coworkers, then yeah, I had the usual PITA), so that was even better.

Got to eat lunch at Willy's today for Lewis' birthday - that's always a treat, to eat at Willy's. However, I managed to hurt the roof of my mouth with a nacho chip. I didn't notice it until tonight, and that's the only thing I can think of that could have caused to gouged place in my palate.

Dominion and Gabriel have been very talkative today - Steven and I were watching some of the Mishka husky videos on Youtube, and we got the boys talking, too. Gabriel also tried to eat my neck earlier - he was snuggling up to me before I went to the gym and was nibbling my neck and jawline! He is so funny sometimes!

I just realized tonight that Steven and I will be going to England in just over 4 months! Woot woot! I can't wait!!!! Looks like I need to get moving on getting his passport, and getting my name changed on mine. I am so excited for Steven, to get to spend the summer in England with Mom and Marion. I wish I could stay the whole summer too! It will be so lonely here without Steven.

It's bad enough without Brian home, but for me to be here alone, with just the dogs? I will go nuts! Nah.....I will likely spend even more time at the gym, and at the dog park with the pups, and will probably forget how to cook. I mean, seriously - why cook for just me? Probably gonna be a lot of Lean Cuisines, Marie Callendar and salads for me - no cooking, other than microwaving for a few minutes!

Well folks, I'm gonna go find something to get into before bedtime. I hope you've all had a great hump day today!

Stepping it up a notch.....

I've decided it's time to do just that - step things up a notch. I started with Power class tonight - I decided to put extra weight on each of my bars. I've been using the same weight bars for quite a while, so it's time. Plus, I chose heavier hand weights as well. I could definitely tell a difference during the workout, that I was using heavier weights - my muscles fatigued a lot faster, but I pushed through it (well, most of it). I'm gonna feel this tomorrow, but this will be sooooo worth it!

I'm also going to try to step things up around the house and at the office, with various "housekeeping" things - filing, tidying up, etc., - no more procrastination! I know certain people need things from me at work on a monthly basis, and if I don't have the stuff filed they have to ask, and I get irritated because I generally have to stop what I'm doing to go file it. It's no one's fault but mine, so I am going to make an effort to file things weekly, as I get finished with them, rather than waiting to do a whole month's worth at a time.

Something else stepped up a notch today, well it has been stepping it up lately, and that's my patience, or lack thereof. I got really irritated a couple of times today - I mean REALLY IRRITATED. Tired of the stupidity, tired of the lack of common sense, tired of the shitty equipment that's outdated by decades, tired of my insecurities, tired of the anger and doubts that are in my mind.

Not much I can do about other people's stupidity and lack of common sense, but either educate them if possible, or just change my reaction to them and not let it or them get to me. (and just so everyone knows - these thoughts don't necessarily apply to coworkers) As for the equipment, not much I can do there, either, just have to deal with it and make service calls as needed.

Now, my insecurities, anger and doubts - no one can fix those but me. I have my reasons for all of these, but ultimately only I can fix them and make them go away. It's amazing how much damage can be done to one's self-image and self-worth over the years. Damage inflicted by many sources, for many reasons. Fortunately, I am able to distance myself from the primary sources that have caused damage, and am in a very good point in my life, with a lot of support and encouragement. Unfortunately, the damage was not inflicted overnight, and will not be healed overnight.

As for the anger and doubts....I have my reasons for that, too, regarding a couple of different things. One of these situations has been lingering for about 6 months, I've discussed it here before, so no need in going there again, other than I've just got to get over the fact that it will never be resolved properly, or at least in the way that I feel is proper.

I'm not going to go into details on the other situation, other than to say that I am still extremely angry over something that came to light recently. I thought I was dealing with it okay, but little things pop up now and again that remind me, and it angers me all over again. There have been moments where I've really had to bite my tongue and not pop off a smartass remark here and there. I thought it was all out of my system, but alas it is not. But, I'm not at a point that I wish to discuss this issue again, so if you're one of the people that knows what I'm referring to, just don't even bring it up.

On to happier things - I took my stepson from my first marriage to meet his mom Saturday. The last time they were together, he was an infant or very young toddler. It was a joyous reunion, and we all had a great time getting to know each other. I think CJ and Kimberly will end up getting to know each other, and will hopefully have a very strong bond and relationship in the future. It felt really good to get them together and to be a part of their reunion, and it seems that Kimberly, CJ and Kimberly's family are all very glad to have been reunited.

Okay here's a weird thing that's been going on lately - yesterday I left work early to take Steven to the dentist, and I had this weird, sudden, extremely painful sensation in my right butt cheek start up on the ride to get him from school. It felt almost like someone had taken a hot poker and jabbed it in my cheek and pressed it into the depths of the muscle. Nothing I did stopped the pain, which was intermittent (going anywhere from 5 minutes between pains, to an hour or more) and lasted for between 5-15 seconds each time it hit. The pain actually took my breath and brought tears to my eyes a couple of times, and other times I almost cried out from the pain.

I just can't imagine what is causing this pain, but thankfully it has gotten better. It didn't hurt to do the Interval class Monday night, but the pain started up again after class was done (I felt great in class). Luckily, the pain eased up as the night wore on, and it was extremely mild today. Lunges and squats didn't bother it, either, so I really have no clue what could be causing it. Hopefully I won't experience any pain from it tomorrow.

Okay folks, I intended to go to bed about an hour ago, but felt the need to write. I know I'm kind of all over the place tonight, but that's the way the cookies crumble. I hope you all have a great night, and a very Happy Hump Day!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year!

Wow, where do I even begin???? This weekend actually started the week before Christmas. My stepson, CJ (from my 1st marriage), has always wanted to find his mother. See, when I married his dad, he was 8 years old and had no memories of her. I was told that she had not been around CJ since he was maybe a year old, and was told horrible things about her (par for the course, considering the source, being my ex-husband).

Anyways, the week before Christmas, I sent letters out to 6 different address in the town I was told she was from, and addressed these letters to her mother. On Christmas Eve, I received an email from her sister, saying she (CJ's mother) had often prayed that someone would find her for CJ, or that CJ would find her on his own. She was very happy and was anxious to talk and meet him. The only problem now was that we were having trouble getting in touch with CJ.

Long story short - I'm at the lake house this weekend, and get a text message and phone call from CJ, and he is delighted that I've found his mother. I am taking him to meet her next weekend! I am so excited for them both, and they are both so glad that I made the effort to find her for him. I cannot even begin to imagine what emotions they are both experiencing, other than great joy in knowing they've found each other.

Being able to reunite these two, on the phone at least to start, has made a great New Year's weekend absolutely fantastic! Now on to the more mundane, less exciting part of my weekend.

Steven and I came down to the lake early Friday evening, and let me tell you I learned the very hard way that Gabriel and Benadryl don't mix! We'd given him one once when he was a puppy and we were returning from the lake and it seemed to work - had the absolute opposite effect on Friday night. He was hyper as hell, pain in the ass in the car, managed to get Steven's hair tangled in his collar, and at the house, he was like a crackhead, running around, sniffing everything over and over and over. Then when it was bedtime, he was jumping on and off the bed, over and over, and going to the door and scratching and whining, and starting all over again. Made for a very restless evening for me.

Saturday, I got Steven up early and we headed to the Andersonville Prison and POW Museum. That was an interesting place, and I think we both learned a lot about the POW situation for not just the civil war, but WWII as well. We toured the museum, the prison grounds area, and the cemetary. Then we drove to Plains, GA, to go to the Jimmy Carter museum at the old Plains High School.

On route to Plains, we were driving through Americus, and there was a car that had an interesting custom paint job. Of course it also had a very loud dual exhaust system, and the driver would rev the engine as he would drive through this old country town. We got beside the car, and Steven realized the guy had the car painted like Lightning McQueen from Cars! He even had Tomater painted on the trunk lid! And I noticed he had a real shitty home-done spoiler attached to the trunk - uneven bottom edge, and just screwed into the trunk with random black and silver screws.

While we were at a red light next to this car, a drunk or stoned man was in the middle of the road ahead of us, doing some kind of jig and dance. It was quite funny, and then he moved to the sidewalk. He started to cross the street, coming closer to where we were waiting for the light change, and he started doing his hands like "right this way", waiting for us to pass by him. I told Steven - "make sure the windows are up, the doors are locked, and if he runs out in front of us I'd as soon shoot him as run over him!" I know, that's not very nice, but he was obviously either illegally medicated, or possibly mentally ill (or a combination of the two).

Got us some Church's fried chicken for dinner Saturday, as well as fried okra and mashed potatoes and gravy. Yummy!!!! A little while after we ate, we headed over to Buddy and Cynthia's to bring in the new year. It was just Buddy, Cynthia, their grandson, Gavin, Steven and me. I fell asleep before 10pm, and woke up just before midnight. Buddy lit the bonfire pit, and they shot some fireworks off at midnight. Steven and I headed back to mom's place a little after midnight, watched another episode or 2 of NCIS, and I crashed sometime after 2am.

Yesterday, I was awakened by the phone call from my stepson, regarding me finding his mom. Got up, talked to him, started some laundry, and drove over to Meme's for a few minutes. Had to listen to a bunch of crap that I've already heard ad nauseum, then I headed on back to the house to finish the laundry and get Steven up. Steven and I rode into town and ate at a Chinese buffet - I had eaten there a few years ago and it was good. Definitely NOT worth the money yesterday, and we won't be wasting our time or money there again.

We finally got on the road yesterday around 5pm and headed home. I decided not to drug either dog, and they were no worse coming home than they were on the ride down. And Gabriel wasn't so crazy hyper, either. I would like to find something safe to give both of them that would help them relax - I don't think Dominion sat down for the entire ride - which is about a 2 hour or a little longer ride.

The dogs got me up this morning around 7:30am, and I've been moving around ever since. Haven't accomplished much, but I've been active. Dominion has his first ever grooming appointment at 3pm, so we're about to head out for that. Hopefully they'll get all that shedding hair off him and it will be easier to deal with around here. Maybe while he's being groomed I can vacuum and dust and get rid of the extra hair?! Gabriel isn't shedding much at all, I imagine because he's only 7 months old. I need to get him in the habit of being brushed - right now when I brush him he wants to bite and chew at my hands. That must stop! LOL

Anyways, I hope everyone had a great weekend - mine was very good, although somewhat boring at times, but I'm thankful we had a safe weekend with some downtime. Steven and I enjoyed our country ride on Saturday, and visiting Andersonville and Plains. There are so many more places I want to take him, and I will be getting him to different places in Georgia to see different historical places. Y'all have a great week!