Thursday, March 29, 2012

Friday Eve.....

Yep, Thursday night. Been to the gym 3 nights in a row. Power class Tuesday, weight machines last night, Interval class tonight. I upped the weights in Power and did fairly well. I surprised myself on the machines last night - I don't recall the weight levels I was doing before, but I was able to do 120lbs on seated leg extensions and seated leg curls. The hip abductors and adductors - I don't recall the weight, but it was pretty high compared to before.

Tonight's Interval class - I upped the hand weights and damn could I feel all that I did last night and Tuesday. I really feel it in my arms and legs tonight - lots and lots of squats, and triceps work. I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow - March 30, 2012, is my TEN YEAR QUIT ANNIVERSARY. Yes, tomorrow marks 10 years since I last smoked a cigarette! Yay me! Honestly, there are times when I want one, can almost even taste it, but nope, not gonna give in. Smoking is just such a nasty, disgusting habit, and causes so many health issues for people. If you are a smoker, do yourself a favor and QUIT.

Well, it's about shower and bed time for me - my workout really kicked my ass tonight (well, I got a little too hot while working out, and that just drained me). Gotta get up early and have my mom-in-law at the hospital at 6:30am for a heart cath. Say a prayer for her! Thanks!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Some quotations I found today.....

I found these online today, under a category of "motivation, encouragement, and laughs", or something to that effect. I figured I could always use some encouragement, and who can't use a laugh every now and then?


Okay, so my butt isn't exactly big - I've always had that "white girl syndrome" - a flat ass. Yes, my ass may be a tad bit wide, but I'm finally getting some nice shape to it with the work I'm doing at the gym. Enough changes that my mother has noticed the last 2 times she's come back from England. I'm going to keep working out, and building up my ass, so that it has an even nicer shape eventually.


Christie Brinkley. Love her philosophy. Find her way too skinny to be attractive. I also think she looks more like a younger Heather Locklear than herself. She has aged well, but just too skinny. Always has been. But at least she was never waif-like.


Running. Something I want to do. Something I have trouble doing, due to my bladder issue. Thinking I either need to invest in some Poise, and/or book that procedure for mid-June. But I know running will burn more calories than most other cardio workouts that I do. Gonna think about how to proceed, and perhaps try it around the neighborhood so I can hit the restroom frequently if/when needed. LOL But seriously, it's kind of a scary thought to think of running - the pounding of my feet on the pavement, how that will feel, how long will I be able to do it?


Definitely working on this. And I can tell a difference. I decided tonight to step it up a notch and use heavier weights for almost all the sets in Power class. I was successful at it, which basically means I have increased my strength level from prior workouts. From what I've learned, you should use a weight that fatigues your muscles, and makes it extremely difficult to complete all the reps, and I was at that point tonight. I suppose that means that I will continue using that level, until I can complete all reps without much struggle at the end, then it will be time to increase the weights again.


That picture does NOT motivate me. Not at all. I actually find it kinda gross. Stomach looks weird - not flat and muscular, just an odd "shape" and tone to it. And she is SKINNY. Don't know if she's strong too, but she's way too freaking skinny.


This picture does motivate me - somewhat. I do know that I will never have a body like this, and I am perfectly okay with that.


Yes, strong is beautiful. This picture, is not.


I assume this picture was created with the intention to convey a person's strength and athletic abilities, to win "The Hunger Games". What's funny is all I could think of was "yes, I could win a contest on being the most hungry". It never fails, when I attempt to curb my eating, be more vigilant in what I do eat, that I tend to get extremely hungry. Part of it is that you do tend to be more hungry when you work out regularly and burn a lot of calories, but part of it is just that I freaking love to eat.


Sexy face? Hmmm. I've seen some workout faces at the gym. Some - maybe a little sexy. Others - ho hum. One - horrifically scary (this guy using the seated leg press machine - I made Brian promise to NEVER make a face like that guy!) Just not so sure that making faces during workouts is sexy.


That one was just funny. Not necessarily true, as they can be imperfect when sleeping - snoring, talking in their sleep, sleep-walking, and if you're in a situation where you have to share a bed with them, then you may be subjected to being punched, slapped, kicked, poked, laid on top of, having covers and/or pillows stolen, or having one of them try to snuggle up UNDER your own body. Of course they are children, and are absolutely precious when sleeping(and usually when awake!). Perfect? No one is.


And this is true. You know you're successful when you don't have to ask yourself "what if?", because you've accomplished something you've always dreamed of.


This one is VERY important to keep in mind. So many women, myself included at times, measure their self-worth and value to society by the number on the scale. It took me a very long time to learn that my weight is irrelevant to what I have to offer to a job, friends, a relationship, and society. I've also learned that the number on the scale may not accurately reflect your health, body size, or fitness level.

Well I hope you've enjoyed my silly little blog tonight. Maybe you found some motivation to help you get started with exercise, or to step it up a notch and take it to the next level. Or maybe you just found something humorous in some of these and got a little chuckle over some of it.

Thanks for reading, and have a Happy Hump Day tomorrow!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Yay! Another Friday!!!


***and personal medical information that you may not want to know about me!***

Today started off kinda shitty, with all the dumbasses out on the road for my drive to work. I still managed to make it to work on time. Seemed like all the jackasses were driving white cars, and most of them had their cell phones glue to their heads. Has no one but me heard of bluetooth? I know it's still somewhat distracting to talk with a bluetooth, but not nearly as much as it is to be using a hand to hold the phone to your head, and having to drive 5 miles or more under the speed limit, and either taking twice as long to look to see that it's clear, or not even looking at all. Here's my salute to those drivers this morning:


And of course, this afternoon, being Friday afternoon, and the fact that it was BARELY SPRINKLING through some parts of town, made the afternoon commute a total bitch, which in turn made me a total bitch. But, I still managed to make it to my step class at 5:30, by some miracle (and, she started it a few minutes late!). Here's my salute to the traffic this afternoon:


Traffic all week SUCKED. Big time. Every freaking day, there was a traffic jam in the morning, and most afternoons, too. Sometimes it was a wreck, but most of the time, it was just stupid rubberneckers, having to slow down to look at the non-issue, totally boring incident on the side of the road. Or dumbfucks slowing down to 5 miles BELOW the speed limit because they see a fucking cop on the side of the road, with someone ALREADY pulled over!!!! Like they are gonna give up the ticket they are writing to chase you down at that point. aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Not all week was bad, I guess. I had part of my annual physical Monday afternoon. The "unfun" part that involves the doctor that has the intials 'obgyn'. And without going into graphic details, I will say that what he did to me to check out my little bladder problem hurt like a MOFO. Left with me with that painful sensation of a really bad UTI the rest of the night. Thankfully, that feeling was gone when I got up Tuesday morning. And now I have a decision to make - to have a surgical procedure to fix the problem, or wait and see if more weight loss will help ease the problem.

Okay, okay, I know some of you nosy people are wondering what the hell is "wrong" with me, and I honestly don't give a shit to tell you - I have "stress incontinence". It's quite common in women that have had children, and women who are overweight, and the problem gets worse as you age. My problem started with my pregnancy with Steven, got somewhat better, and seems to have gotten worse over the past year or so. Not sure why, as I've been steadily losing weight and toning muscles, so you'd think it would get better (less weight pressing on the tummy makes for less pressure on the bladder).

Anyways, if I decide to do the procedure, it will have to be after my trip to England. Down time from work is only about 7-10 days at most (doctor said it would likely be less than that), but am not sure how long I'd be banned from the gym. I hate to do anything that will hinder my efforts there, but honestly this SI problem is hindering me from doing some activities at the gym and home (running, and jumping jacks, to name 2).

I suppose I'll research the surgery and see what different individuals have to say about their experiences before I make a final decision. Some of the things I do know about the procedure is that it's done as an outpatient, and not under general anesthesia. Apparently they give you locals and some kind of "cocktail" to make you drowsy. The "cocktail" concerns me, as I remember getting NO effect from the phentanyl/propofol/vistaril cocktail I was given prior to getting my nerve block for my foot surgery. And I just can't imagine having the procedure done, with all it entails, without being completely out, or at least stoned outta my mind and totally numb in that area.

Enough about my personal medical shit. Gabriel has been funny this week, chasing bumblebees and playing tag with them. He actually got one in his mouth the other day, but spit it out about as fast as he had chomped down on it. Luckily, he didn't get stung, and the dumbass kept chasing it.

Tonight I got home and Steven was chasing Gabriel and Dominion to try to get them to come back to the house. Apparently, Gabriel had been on the runner, and Dominion was walking freely through the yard, as we normally permit, but when Gabriel was taken off the runner on the porch by the door, he took off, and Dominion took off with him. All is well and good, the pups were okay and were scolded thoroughly, and Steven got his exercise for the day from his run after them.

Got teased with sprinkling today, and as much as I dislike rain in general, I was hoping for a full on rainshower. We need it, badly, to wash the stupid pollen away. I'm surprised I'm not totally sick from it, but I've been on some sort of allergy pill for most of the past year, and mucinex, too, so between those, I'm not in bad shape for now. Don't get me wrong, I can definitely tell it's allergy season, but I'm not suffering at the moment.

Not even from cutting the grass the other night! I brought our dead lawnmower back to life with a simple spark plug change. It cranked with no trouble, first time, after putting the new plug in, so when we returned from dinner, I changed and cut the grass. And damn, did it need it! (and thanks honey, for suggesting the spark plug fix!)

This is the first weekend in a while that I don't have a single thing planned. I mean, there ARE things I have to accomplish this weekend, but other than making it to the post office before closing tomorrow, I don't have a deadline on any of it. Yay me!!!

Negative feelings have been creeping in on me this week, and no one is to blame but me. I'm angry at myself for not having certain discussions last week when I had the opportuniy to do so. In fact, I'm about to explode with the desire to have said conversations with at least one party to the situation, but I don't know that it will do any good.

And I'm just having those negative feelings that creep in on me sometimes, that destroy my self-esteem....the I'm not working out hard enough, not losing weight fast enough, not taking care of myself like I should, I'm getting old, my wrinkles are showing, blah blah blah. Sometimes it sucks being me, dealing with all these negative feelings. I don't pretend to have things worse than anyone else, this isn't a contest to see who's got the worst "woe is me" story. I have my issues, and deal with them. Or not.

So here's something for me, and anyone else that's feeling down and out about themselves:


I've probably shared that here before, but it fits for tonight.

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm gonna make the most of mine!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

15 Ways to Keep a Relationship Working

1. Love each other
2. Don't lie
3. Keep communication open
4. Stay sweet
5. When you get hurt, just forgive and forget
6. Never talk about break-ups
7. Never say it's okay, especially when it's not
8. Forget about pride
9. If you say sorry - mean it
10. Don't compare your past with your present
11. Don't talk about your stupid ex's
12. Give and take process
13. Be aware of his/her feelings
14. When you had a fight, don't let the day pass
15. Don't be the perfect one, be the right one

All of these are excellent guidelines for having a happy successful relationship. Some of these are quite obvious, and are very easy to do. Others, maybe not so obvious, and some not so easy. And I actually disagree with some of these, at least to a small degree.

For example - when you get hurt, just forgive and forget. Perhaps this is correct, but it is not always so easy to do. I fully believe you have to forgive when something happens that hurts you, but it always stays with you. However, you definitely should not continue bringing it up and using it against your partner.

Another example - don't talk about your stupid ex's. Sometimes you have to. I don't think my husband would understand me as well as he does, if I had not told him about my ex-husband, and how that man has affected my life. And of course, not all ex's are stupid - sometimes they are ex's because things just didn't work out, for any number of reasons.

No relationship is perfect, and relationships do take work from both people in order to be successful. Relationships take compromise, compassion, understanding, and perseverence, and a relationship is only as good as you choose to make it.

I don't profess to know it all about making a great relationship - I saw these 15 things on a posting on Facebook, find them to be valuable information for couples for how to make their relationships work better, and chose to share the knowledge.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

From earlier today.....

So, I'm sitting here at Mo Mo Con, at the Atlanta Marriott Marquis, in the lobby upstairs. I brought Steven and 2 of his friends out here, as they are really into this stuff. Me, not so much. Thankfully, I had the option of sitting here and not having to go through all the convention stuff with the boys. Although, I imagine I would see even more interesting things had I chosen to go through the actual convention. I am seeing quite a bit up here - some interesting costumes. Some I recognize, some I don't have a clue as to what anime they are from. Some, I think people just made shit up to have an excuse to dress up and come out in public. I'm going to try to take pictures before we leave, and if I do, I will post them on here later.

OMG - I wore my "spank the monkey 25cents" t-shirt today, as it is green (for St Patrick's Day) and I thought it would be funny to wear it around all the weirdos at the convention. I'm sitting here, playing solitaire on the computer, and this guy walks up and says "I've got a quarter" and acts like he's reaching in his pocket! I had almost forgotten about the shirt and was puzzled for a minute, then busted out laughing. Damn. Michael said I should have brought me a little money pouch or cup for quarters!

Mom and Marion came into town last Friday. We've had Mexican food twice, BBQ at McGhin's, Japanese hibachi at the Mo Mo Ya, breakfast at Meme's, and a hot dog/hamburger cookout at Mom's house. Tonight we're having dinner at Meme's. Should be interesting, as I'm wearing shorts, and no one in the family has seen my latest tattoo, except for my aunt Cynthia. I think I posted a picture of it on Facebook - it's a Capricorn (goat) and Leo (lion), in black, over a red rose, and it's on my right calf. I got it last September before Brian deployed. Yes, he's a Capricorn, and I'm the Leo. He got one, too, very similar, except he doesn't have the rose. On mine, the Capricorn is first, Leo is second, and on his, Leo is first, and Capricorn is second.

I have finally decided that I will no longer let my family guilt me into anything, or let their display of disapproval for various things in my life cause me any undue grief or guilt. I am sure I will hear some shit over the tattoo, and will be quite surprised if I don't. I know no one in my family approves of tattoos, but that is their opinion, not mine, and they are certainly entitled to their opinions. Obviously I'm fine with tattoos, as I have 3 and am planning more, and I married a man with a lot of them, who is planning more.

Meme has been off the chain this week, with many things. I finally told her on Sunday at breakfast that my mother-in-law had moved in with me. Apparently, Meme is under the impression that my spare bedroom is still 'her junkroom', as she seems to think I promised her she could forever store a bunch of her shit in there. I clearly remember telling her when I moved in there, that I wanted to use that room for an exercise room, to put my weight bench and stationary bike in there. When Brian moved in 2 years ago, he and Steven cleared that room out and we made it into our computer room. Of course the closet was packed full of her shit (clothes so tightly crammed in there that they are wrinkled, and half of them still have the tags on them).

Anyways, she starts bitching about that was "her junkroom", I promised her she could store her stuff in there, and I told her that her stuff was safe, that I had moved it out 2 years ago when Brian moved in, but that I would be more than happy to bring it to her anytime she wanted. Then she wanted to know where her dolls were, to which I replied "the dolls you told me were now mine? They're in my living room, but if you want them I'll bring them to you this afternoon". She said no, that she only wanted one, and she would come get it. I reminded her that the snake now resided in the living room, and she had a canniption fit about that. LOL

Then she calls me Wednesday morning at work (she's finally figured out how to call my office phone instead of my work phone, and now I have no warning if she's calling because we don't have caller ID), to say that she wants to come over next weekend to go through her things, that my mother-in-law couldn't possibly have much room in the bedroom with all her junk in there. Again, she has no clue that her shit was moved out 2 years ago, even though I had just told her a few days ago. I imagine she was blinded and deafened with shock when I told her, but oh well. Even if she came to the house next weekend, it would take more than a day to go through all the shit that is over there that belongs to her. I'm going to talk to her between now and next weekend and insist that she let me bring her 3 or 4 boxes at a time to her house, so that she can go through them at her leisure, then swap those out with another 3 or 4, so that she's not pressured to go through them. I honestly don't see her getting rid of much of her stuff - she's a packrat (like me) and doesn't want to discard anything because it might come in handy. But this having all these clothes with the tags still on it, and then saying she has nothing to wear and buying more is just ridiculous.

Last night, I'm at dinner with the rest of the family, and she called me FIVE times! That woman does NOT know how to leave a damn voice mail. It really irritated me that she wouldn't leave a message, so I didn't answer until we were on the way home and she called again. I had already told her I was taking Steven and some friends to Mo Mo Con, and that I didn't know what time we'd be back, and she was calling to tell me that they had moved dinnertime to an even EARLIER time than we had discussed on Thursday. She got miffed with me Thursday because I told her I couldn't come help her cook because of going to the anime convention - she actually hung up on me abruptly.

As I've said in a previous blog, I used to let guilt get to me, and worry about pleasing family members. Of course, it's really hard to let that go, but I've just decided to start letting go of the guilt, and not let it bother me. I used to worry about how I was going to handle my grandmother, as she is one that expects to be treated in a certain way, and for things to always go her way, or she pouts and bitches. Well, she can pout and bitch about things, and I'm not going to let it bother me anymore. In fact, I had a thought to get Steven or Momma Clydie to take a picture of me holding the snake, and showing it to her - I imagine she doesn't have a clue as to how large the snake is, and I want her to know exactly what she will see if she decides to pop in at the house, as I will not be putting the snake in another room, or covering the tank.

Enough about Meme. Gabriel has been a hoot this week, and a royal pain in the ass. He's played tag with a bumblebee twice this week - he will surely know sneezin' and fartin', as the saying goes, if he actually catches the damn thing. He got hold of our face lotion this week - Momma Clydie caught him trying to eat the tube in my bed, then he got hold of something else. He also chewed up the back of my old pair of gym shoes, the ones I was wearing to walk the dogs. I had to dig out a pair from my "cut the grass shoes" to start wearing to walk the dogs (I don't want to get my good gym shoes muddy and wet every morning when I walk the boys). Yesterday, I came home to the new air filter that I had bought for my car, that had still been in the box and was laying on my bed, shredded in a MILLION pieces on my bed and the floor, courtesy of Gabriel. Yeah, I kinda had a temper tantrum over that one. $25 down the tubes. But, my fault - the voice inside my head told me yesterday that I should put it up, out of his reach, and I ignored it. I will not ignore those voices anymore! Well, at least when it comes to it telling me to put things up out of Gabriel's reach!

And it's time for me to really get my ass in gear and start hitting the gym - HARD. I have right at 2 months before I leave for England, and I want to drop about 20lbs between now and then. I can make excuses all day long - been sick, been house hunting, Mom and Marion have been here this week, but honestly there is no excuse. Even being sick, there are things I still could have been doing, and I didn't do them. No one's fault but mine. So, it's time to crack down and get the eating under control, and really start pumping things up in the gym. I'm hoping my foot holds up, as it's been bothering me for the past week or so. Nothing really bad, just enough to be annoying and worrisome. And of course last night I stepped on one of those sweet gum ball thingies and almost twisted my ankle. It scared me more than anything, the fear of actually spraining it or damaging that ligament again, but it was fine. So here we go, gonna get this shit done - I have goals to reach before certain other things happen (such as buying new clothes) and dropping this 20lbs is one of them!

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! I am!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Busy Day....

Going house hunting with Momma Clydie this morning - gotta hit the shower here in just a minute.

Woke up with ink all over my hand, ass and face this morning - Gabriel had chewed up an ink pen in the bed yesterday afternoon. I found it and thought I had searched the bed enough to ensure that I wouldn't wake up with ink everywhere, but no, I failed. see?


Kinda scary, know. But the ink makes it funny and worth it. LOL

But here's a pic I took at work the other day - much better, don't ya think?

Anyways, off to shower and go look at houses. Mom and Marion are in town and we will probably end up over there tonight for dinner. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Monday, March 5, 2012

What's worse?

What's worse, saying something and wishing you hadn't, or saying nothing and wishing you had?

That's kind of like "open mouth, insert foot", isn't it? I hate it when you're in one of those situations where something needs to be said, but dammit when you say it, it's either taken the wrong way, or doesn't have the desired effect. I've been in that situation twice now in the last 4 days.

First time was Friday and the blog I wrote. I never dreamed my mother would read my blog, and I certainly did not intend to make her sound like she is a horrible person. She is not a horrible person at all. I think parents lay the guilt trip on their kids to make them behave or act in certain ways, but some, like me, take it to the extreme and worry over every little thing, whether it's right or wrong or going to please their parents.

I know there are many times I have agonized over a decision, worrying about what my mother will think, or my grandmother, or someone else. I think I've gotten somewhat better about that over the past several years, as I realize I have to live to make myself happy, and ultimately no one else. Yes of course, I have to be cognizant of how my decisions affect my husband and my son, but ultimately I am responsible for my happiness, and no one else.

I shared this issue with everyone, hoping that someone would offer me some advice on how to get over this "guilt" problem that I have, but alas, I didn't get the magic answer I thought I might get, and I hurt my mother in the process, which was never my intention.

The other situation was today, but I don't want to go into details, other than to say I'm not really sure how things rolled into the blow-up that they did (this wasn't with my mother). It started out in fun, sort of, then just ran out of control into something pretty ugly. Neither of us felt like our points were being understood, and I am of the ilk that I have a desperate need for my side to be understood, and I tend to repeat myself, hoping the other person will acknowledge and understand my point.

I feel now like I just never should have said anything, but I know what I was thinking would have festered until it blew up and ended up a lot worse than it was today. I just wish things had been resolved differently, as there was no reason for it to go the way that it did.

I can't explain it (well, actually I can), but there are so many situations, with only a very few people, that I feel like I should be an open book to regarding my feelings. I just find it so very difficult to actually be that open book with them sometimes, as I don't like confrontation or conflict, and I feel that many times sharing what I'm thinking or feeling will lead to conflict.

Plus, with PMS, I sometimes doubt whether or not I should say anything when something bothers me, as I don't know whether it's bothering me because I'm hormonal, or if it's something that would not normally bother me otherwise. With those lovely hormones, I know I take things a lot more personally than they are probably meant, and many times I am a lot bolder when I'm bolstered by those lovely hormones, which can lead to me responding in a way that perhaps I shouldn't.

So, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't - if I say nothing, it will drive me nuts. If I say something, I risk saying the wrong thing, or creating an unneccessary conflict. I just can't win for losing.

Friday, March 2, 2012

This is a really hard one to write....but here goes......

I screwed up today. I forgot today was my stepfather's birthday, and didn't call him to wish him a happy birthday. My mother called me Saturday (almost a week ago) to remind me and to ask me to call him this morning and for me and Steven to wish him a happy birthday. I forgot. Honestly. It was a mistake. It's too late now to call him, as it's after midnight over in England.

So I check my yahoo email tonight, and have an email from Mom with the subject line "I really appreciate you and Steven calling Marion today. Thanks a lot." No message, just the subject line. I know she's mad, or disappointed, and it was terrible for me to forget to call him, but I am suddenly so emotional and upset over making her mad and disappointing her.

Why does this upset me so much? I don't know how much sense I will make with this, but I will try. For as long as I can remember, I have sought my mother's approval. I think most kids seek their parents' approval, but my mother was the only parent I grew up with. We lived with my grandmother until my grandmother moved out in high school.

But I digress. I had this intense need to seek and 'win' her approval, over pretty much everything. Any time that I upset her, or disappointed her, or made her angry about something, I felt such deep shame and sorrow, and it would just make me try harder to do better. I have memories of specific things over the years when I was in school, of things I did that disappointed her or upset her, and how shamed I felt over my actions.

Of course, I found my ways to rebel against her - I always seemed to pick the boys that she wouldn't approve of when it came to "going steady" as it was called back then. She took great pleasure in making fun of some of them, or saying very insulting things about them to me after she'd met them. Her disapproval of them made me like them even more, at least for one or 2 of them.

Worrying about how she would react to various decisions I might make has caused me to hesitate and perhaps miss out on some things throughout the years. In the past, if I pushed an issue regarding something I knew she wouldn't approve of, she rarely approved after the fact, and I would be left feeling a sense of regret sometimes that took a very long time to shake.

I have felt a lot of conflict over the past 8 months or so over the whole ordeal with Michael, and how my mother has pushed me to try to reconcile that friendship and move past it. I have done my best to not let my mother guilt me into reconciling, because I just don't feel it was okay for him to talk to me and make the threats against me and my husband like he did - I STILL haven't gotten an apology from him. She has tried her best to force me back into that friendship, and I have pulled away from it as hard as I can, but again, there's that feeling of not wanting to disappoint my mother.

Don't get me wrong - I have truly missed a lot of my friendship with Michael. I do talk to him on occasion, but it angers me every time I think about it, that my mother thinks it's okay for things to try to "go back to how they used to be", without some sort of apology. I know I need to talk to him about my feelings, and that I still think he should apologize, but part of me wanted my mother to do that - I mean, hell, she pushed me so hard to be the "bigger person" and to make the first move, but never once did she suggest to him that perhaps HE should make the first move. She claimed to want to stay out of the middle of it and let us resolve our issues ourselves, but she was right there the whole time, pushing ME to do something to fix it.

So it all boils down to this - how do I stop letting her have the power to upset me like this? You have no idea what this is doing to me - I am sitting here in my bathroom floor, sobbing as I write this. I'm in the bathroom because I don't want my son, his friend, and my mother-in-law to see me like this. I know I should feel some guilt over not calling my stepdad, but this is crazy.

I have taken power away from others that used to upset me - my exhusband being the biggest one I have overcome. You know, I rarely had to be punished for bad behaviors as a child - the guilt was all it took to correct me. I have caught myself in the past, trying to use guilt to make Steven behave, but it worried me so much that he would turn into a guilt-laden adult like me, that I don't do that anymore.

I know it's quite easy to say "just don't let her (or anyone) dictate how you feel" - but it's not that easy to actually do. I also want to say this - I did not have a bad childhood. Other than the guilt trips, things weren't too bad. I had everything I needed to be comfortable and healthy, more clothes, toys and stuff than most kids had at the time, my mother just ran the Guilt Trip Agency and I was a frequent flier.

Guilt is what hurts me so badly when someone wrongs me, too - I look at what the person has done, or said, or lied about, and it hurts me to know that someone is capable of doing any of those things without apparently feeling much guilt about it. I just can't fathom doing some of the things that have been done to me, without knowing that the guilt would tear me apart if I'd been the one that was doing something wrong.

So - if any of you have any suggestions to help me figure out how to take this power to make me feel so miserable away from my mother, please enlighten me. But please - no smart ass remarks from any of you - while I am very emotionally vulnerable and a sobbing mess at this moment, I am on the edge of flipping to "super bitch mode" thanks to my enemy PMS.