Experience.....

From personal experience, I can tell you - this is so true.  When you've been abused for so long, you just don't know how to take it when someone actually treats you the way that you deserve to be treated.  You're always looking for the other shoe to drop, the demeanor to change, the lies to be discovered, for everything to fall apart.

You get to where you are so afraid of being hurt, you just close yourself off and don't let anyone get too close, and you certainly don't let anyone "in".  It really takes a special, very patient, true love to get through - to help you tear down the walls, one brick at a time, until they are able to get close to you and for you to let them "in".

I usually wear my feelings on my sleeve, so to speak, so it's pretty easy to see when I'm not really okay.  Although, I do try to hide my feelings at times, and I don't like to open up to just anyone.  Hiding bad feelings is exhausting.  Maybe that's part of why I'm so tired every night and tend to go to sleep after dinner.  I have a lot of bad feelings, about a lot of different things.  No, I don't want to talk about them.  Please, don't ask me about them - not even to let me know that you are there for me.  I just don't want it mentioned and don't want to talk about it.  When I want to talk about it, I will.  Until then - I'm okay.  Really.

Things I'm tired of.....

Okay, here's a negative post if there ever was one.  I'm in one of those moods where I'm frustrated about a lot of things, and let me preface this by saying that I know I am blessed, lucky, fortunate, privileged, or whatever other adjective that you want to use to describe me and my life.  I know that there are people that have life much, much more difficult than I do, and I am appreciative of my life and all the positives that are there.  I just wanna vent!  So here goes:

*I'm tired of the rain.  We usually end up with a rain deficit by the end of the year, but with as much rain as we've gotten the past week, I don't think we're in danger of that this year.

*I'm sick of seeing the same old commercials, over and over and over.  For example - the repeat commercial for "Pawn Stars" where the chick that got the guitar from the Playboy Mansion, and the NASA toilet seat.  Those commercials, and the ones where the kids talk about "back in my day". Dammit man, I am sick of that!

*I'm sick again - that damn cough. It looks like I will have to go to the doctor tomorrow (yes, they have Sunday hours thank goodness) so I can get a handle on it before it gets too bad.

*I'm done with the hormonal roller coaster that I'm on!  It sucks!  And no, it's not menopause, just normal monthly fluctuations.

*I am so ready to buy a house and move, but we just can't seem to find one suitable.  Ugh!

*I am beyond frustrated for my husband and the recovery on his arm.  We don't expect him to get well overnight by any means, but he has had a very rough time since the 2nd surgery on June 14.  He's at the point where he has to sleep when he can, regardless of what time of day it is, so right now, he pretty much has his days and nights a little on the mixed up side.  For example - he was up til 4am this morning, went to bed and slept til around 1pm.  I tried from 10am until 1pm to get him up - he was that tired!  Besides the fatigue from not being able to sleep due to the pain meds just not working, it appears that he may have an infection in the elbow, as it has been red, swollen and warm to the touch on and off for the past week or so.  We did call the surgeon so he could call in an antibiotic, and it does seem to be improving, ever so slowly.  He has a routine appointment for it on Monday, so we'll see what the doctor says about it then.

*I am really disgusted with people that think they can just dump an animal off somewhere to fend for itself.  That has apparently happened on Freeman Rd this past week - this beautiful dog, I have no idea what he is but I would guesstimate him to weigh around 60lbs or so, reddish brown/brindle color, built kind of like a german shepherd, has been running around on Freeman Rd, looking totally bewildered, and he will trot after cars like he's hoping they will stop and pick him up.  I can't pick him up because I don't know how my boys will react to him, being that they aren't neutered and I don't know if this dog is, and other than possible territorial-aggression issues, it would be a total piss-fest at the house to try to mark territory everywhere.  I just can't have that.  If I was in a home with a fenced in yard, I would get him in a heartbeat.  He is really beautiful, and he looks so sweet and lovable.  If I continue to see him, I will try to get him to a shelter or rescue.

Well folks, that's all I can write tonight, there's just so much more but I just can't put forth the effort at this time.  I'm gonna lay down and rest and hope and pray this cough will ease up - might have to break out the big guns with the Tussion Ex.

I Just Don't Get It. Really, I Don't.

Why, after umpteen # of years of doing things a certain way, does one individual (or maybe 2) seem to have difficulty understanding the reasoning behind it, and that it doesn't have anything at all to do with their processes?  Aaarrrggghhhh!!!!

Yes, I was in a really pissy mood the other day when I started this - I was at work and someone had to be ignorant about something we've been doing a very long time, like it was a big surprise and they didn't know what it was all about, and that it was irrelevant to their work processes.  Doh!

So there's some more catching up to do, the main thing being Brian's "incident" this past weekend.   On Saturday, Brian was redoing the screening on the porch, and was coming down the ladder.  Somehow he lost his balance or missed a step, and fell backwards.  He put his left arm down to break his fall, and Steven said he heard it snap pretty loud.  I was inside, and I think Clydie was too, and he started yelling and screaming.  She made it to him before I did - when I got to the porch he was laying on the ground, with his arm kinda underneath him and I could see the elbow sticking out from under him and it didn't look right.  He screamed "I broke my fucking arm!" and I swear to God I damn near threw up.  I was afraid to get a closer look at it but I got down there with Clydie and Steven.  We got him sat up on the ground, then he said he would rather me drive him than have the ambulance take him (I had called 911 because I didn't know if we could get him off the ground).

I got him to the hospital and they whizzed us through registration, triage and got him in an exam room (amazingly this took less than 10 minutes total), then took him back to X-ray as soon as he sat on the bed.  When he came back he looked at me and said "you know when I do something, I always try to do it up right, right? well.....I not only dislocated my elbow but I broke it".  The doctor came in and explained that Brian broke the ulna, which is the bone they normally pull on to put a dislocated elbow back into place, so they wouldn't be able to adjust it, it would take surgery to fix the break and to get the bones back into the joint properly. 

Here is the side view of the break and dislocation - that bone that is sticking out to the right, doesn't belong out there.  The break is on the bottom bone:

This is a view from the bottom - you can clearly see the broken ulna here:

Here's the view of the fix - the plate and screws, with the joint back in place like it's supposed to be:

Long story short, Brian had surgery on Sunday around 11:30am, and the surgeon put in a 4-6" plate that has 6 screws in it, and had to make a 2nd incision to remove bone fragments from the joint (Brian apparently chipped the bone in at least 2 places and the fragments ended up in the joint).  He was released Sunday evening, and he's been home since.  No driving until he sees the surgeon on Monday, so he's going nuts being stuck at home and having to rely on me or his mom to drive him around.  So, he and Steven and sometimes Brianna are working on finishing the porch work.  It's hard to keep a good man down!  Even from a broken ulna and dislocated elbow!

Steven leaves for England for the summer this Saturday - I know he will enjoy himself, but I will miss him! :-(

I've gotten back into reading the Stephen King Dark Tower series - I'm almost finished with book 6, Song of Susannah.  It's getting GOOD!

Guess it's time for me to pick the book back up, I should be close to finishing it about now.

Have a great rest of week!

Well.....damn.....just - damn......

Saturday sure has started off with a bang -  I get up to an email from my mom about some nonsense posted on my son's Facebook page.  I go to his page, and apparently one of his friends that spent the night last night, got onto Steven's page and posted something about Steven that not only isn't true, but could be very upsetting to different people for various reasons.  Of course, his friends were already up and out of the house (they leave really early, like around 7am, after sleepovers and we got up around 8:30am).

Brian had a discussion with Steven, and Steven is pretty upset with his friends for posting what they did.  I think Steven has learned his lesson about leaving his stuff logged in where his friends can get to it.  Posting something innocent on someone else's page is funny sometimes, but this could have caused a lot of issues for him.

The other bang to my morning - I go to my blog page and none of the blogs I'm following are showing up.  Not sure what's up with that, I tinkered around with it and finally got them all to show up, but I don't know how long that will last.  I apparently have to eventually switch my blog over to Google+, but I don't feel like messing with a transition right now.

Anyways.....it's raining today.  Steven is supposed to be having a band competition tonight that was postponed from last weekend due to rain.  Part of me hopes it's cancelled again, but part of me (the band geek in me) hopes that it still goes on because I want to see some bands play!

Headed to the mall here in a few - got to exchange a shirt from Hot Topic that Steven bought for me on his spring break last month.  I tried exchanging it last weekend and was told that I couldn't because it was purchased more than 30 days prior.  I didn't even think to look at the receipt until Monday - the 30th day had been FRIDAY, the day BEFORE I tried to exchange it.  Seriously?!!?  I was ONE day past the allowable exchange period.

I worked retail long enough to know how to play the game.  I mean, I could totally understand if the shirt was on clearance now, that the store would be out of something because they'd have to give me receipt price and then immediately mark down the shirt to clearance.  But it wasn't clearance, and the shirt I was going to get was going to cost a little more, so I'd be paying money into the store plus I was considering purchasing another item or 2.  Of course I called their corporate office, was given and apology and told they would contact the store manager to let her know that I would be in this weekend for an exchange. 

After the mall, I'm headed to PetCo - gotta pick up some anxiety drops for the boys so that they will travel to the lake nicely next weekend.  We've used all their drops up we got from the vet last year, and Petsmart doesn't carry these.  They have chewables and paste you can give the dogs, and you are limited to how many you can give per day.  These drops are 10 drops per dog, 3 times a day, or more if needed.  If Gabriel would travel as calmly as Dominion does, we wouldn't need these!

Oh and yesterday was sweet Gabriel's 2nd birthday! 

Okay, I'm outa here.  Gotta get my shopping on!  Have a great weekend!

Things Learned from Dear Abby

Here are a few things that have been learned from Dear Abby (I copied this from a letter that was written to the column, and added my two cents to some of them)

1. Don't blame your server for bad food. Always be polite and send compliments to the chef when applicable.   (after having waited tables myself, I learned this first hand.  Of course customers sometimes take their frustrations out on the waitstaff, but please folks - most of the time issues with your experience are not related to the server)

2. It's your wedding; you don't have to invite drama mama and long-gone dads unless you want to. And do not ignore Stepmom.

3. It's never too late to change bad habits. Today is a good time to begin making healthy new ones.  (this is always a work in progress!)

4. Kindness is always important. Do it randomly if you must, but do it often. Pennies are a gentle reminder of heaven.   (don't let yourself get caught up in the craziness of your every day life, and let those that annoy the piss out of you, take the joy and kindness out of your life!)

5. Being the other woman is a dead-end job. No matter what he says, the odds are he is never going to leave his wife.

6. Workplace romances are usually doomed. Don't risk it unless you want to find a new job.  (this was one that I always knew and never crossed that line - I've seen the consequences of work relationships by seeing what others went through and it's just not a good thing)

7. Counseling is a good thing. Don't suffer for years or in silence. Get some help today.  (and don't be ashamed to do it!  Of course you don't have to broadcast it to the world if you get help, but if you need help, by all means please get it!)

8. Reconcile and forgive estranged parents if you can. You don't have to be dysfunctional because they are.

9. Pursue that thing you dream of now. You're going to get older anyway. Which would you regret more, doing something or not doing it?

10. You deserve to be loved. Start with yourself, become the best that you can be and live until you die.  (this is a hard one for me - and no, I don't want to elaborate on this right now.  Another blog for another day)

P.S. I just thought of one more: Send thank-you notes, and no, it's never too late to do it.

Anthony Hammond's Page

Anthony Hammond's Page

Come on folks, he's almost at his goal - won't you help out and donate to a good cause - St Jude's?  Donations need to be made tonight so it counts for his event tomorrow!  Thanks for your support!

Ho hum.....another Monday night......

Momma Clydie made some bacon wrapped, cheese and cilantro stuffed jalapenos tonight - yummy!  They were meant to be grilled, but she baked them, and they were good.  :-)  I'm taking some to work tomorrow and will be dipping them in blue cheese dressing - out of ranch :-( - but blue cheese is my second favorite for dipping stuff like this. 

Remember me mentioning the fall on my ass last month at the lake?  Well, my ass still bothers me when I sit in certain positions.  At the gym 2 weeks ago I sat on the step during interval class and had to flop over to the floor because it was just too painful to sit on the step.  I've been thinking the ass must be better because it hasn't bothered me lately, but tonight, I went to sit in front of my aquarium to look for babies (I'll get to that in a minute) and owie!  My butt still aches!!!

So last Wednesday we get home from the tax lady, and I notice something unusual looking in my aquarium.  I go to investigate, and holy moly there are EGGS attached to a leaf.  A LOT of them!  Turns out 2 of my angelfish decided to breed and lay eggs.  After consulting with a friend of mine that has more fish experience than me, he suggested we leave them there, that the angelfish will parent the eggs and babies, and keep the other fish away from them.  All of the eggs were hatched by Thursday night, and we had a small patch full of tiny wittle fishie babies that looked like a pile of dirt!  They fluttered and moved like a little wave, staying in the spot their parents put them.

The parents moved the babies Friday, to another leaf, and off we went to the lake for the weekend.  We got home yesterday afternoon, and we were not able to find any babies.  Either they got eaten, or got hidden somewhere we couldn't see.  I found 4 babies this morning when I got up, but alas, they are missing again.  I don't know if all the babies are just gone, or are just in hiding.  I hope some of them survived and are just in hiding - I was really looking forward to seeing the babies grow up into adults to see how they transform.  Oh well, next time they breed, I'm removing the eggs and putting them in their own tank to hatch and grow. 

I'm still coughing some, mostly just to clear some congestion, not because I have a constant need to cough.  Still - the congestion and coughing are getting pretty damn old.  I'm just glad that I'm feeling a lot better than I was even a week ago.

I had some weird dreams this weekend - dreamed about Steven, that he was around 4 or 5 years old.  He wanted to fight me regarding what he was wearing - a too-small shirt that his New-nee had bought him, and I had to find a shirt that would fit, that his New-nee got him, as for whatever reason he only wanted to wear clothes that she had bought him!  LOL

Last night, I dreamed that I signed up with a personal trainer.  I have no idea who this person was in my dream, I checked his credentials and saw that he went to USC, and apparently he was someone I knew back then and he had completely transformed his body over the years.  It was just weird, to see this person, as I had actually perused his Facebook page last night and wondered how he was doing (he doesn't post a lot online). 

I've been super emotional lately, and I'm not even PMSing.  I've just been in a total funk and can't seem to pull out of it.  I'm wound pretty tight, and have to fight the urges I get to just bluntly say what I'm thinking during certain situations.  There are times, almost daily, where I have to bite my tongue or else I will say something that will really hurt someone's feelings, or could even make someone hate me.  I don't really care if someone hates me, at least maybe they'd leave me alone.  But I don't like to hurt people's feelings - even the feelings of those people that get on my last damn nerve!

And as if I'm not emotional enough - Boston happens.  This afternoon and evening have been heavy and sad.  People who commit such violent acts disgust me.  It's too early to know whether it was foreigners, domestic terrorism, or who is responsible for these terroristic acts.  And that's exactly what they are - for whatever reason, some asshat(s) wanted to strike terror and fear into the hearts of Americans, and I think they have succeeded.  It just makes me so sad.........my thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of those who are suffering from the attacks in Boston.