Enough...

I learned the hard way once, to never ask "what now?"  The year was 2004.  I'd been working on a national meeting at my job which had me out of the office for about a week, my transmission went out on my car, I broke some toes, my husband at the time was in the hospital, and when I finally got to go back to work, I had the attitude of "nothing is going to screw up my day".  Then my husband started calling me on my cell phone while I was on the way to work.  I refused to answer the phone, I wasn't going to let him say something to dampen my mood or ruin my day.  He was too much of an asshole to leave a damn message, for some reason he always thought it was better to call 20 dozen times like a damn psycho than to leave a simple message that I would have listened to and then returned his call. 


I got to the office, got ready to start my day, and then my office phone rang.  We didn't have caller ID so I answered, and my blood pressure immediately shot up when I knew it was him.  I thought he was going to start his stupid bullshit accusations that I was cheating on him with someone at work (I was not but boy did he love accusing me of random shit and getting me upset over his ideations).  He was freaking out on the phone, and as if he weren't hard enough to understand when he wasn't upset and excited, I almost couldn't make out that he said "momma's gone".  The reality of what he had said took a minute to sink in - his mother had just died.  I broke.  I went in my boss' office and collapsed on the couch.  I just couldn't take any more.  I cried and cried and cried, surrounded by my boss and our 2 directors.  Long story short, while extremely difficult, I lived through all that.


But...

 Here we go again.  Sort of.  Life is piling on, and I'm struggling to keep my sanity.  I know better than to ask "what now", as I think the powers that be take that as a challenge.  I'm not up for any more challenges, I'm honestly not as strong as some apparently think I am.  Here's the rundown of the latest:


*Dominion was diagnosed with liver cancer on July 16, and we were told he had 1-3 months to live.  He lived exactly 30 days as we had to euthanize him yesterday.  We are all grieving, and my poor husband is taking it the hardest.  Animals are such a joy but it really hurts when it's time for them to cross that Rainbow Bridge. 
*Steven was hospitalized on August 5 with sepsis and pneumonia. He went from a clear chest x-ray on Saturday, July 28, to having a fairly dense white area in his upper right lobe on August 5.  He was discharged on August 7, and seems to be doing fine so far. 
*Brian is having some tests run and we should have results tomorrow.  As I haven't talked with him on what he's comfortable sharing at this point, that's really all I will say on this for now.  Family knows the deal with this situation and everything is expected to be fine, but it's still something I worry about. 
*I had a "welcome to 50" colonoscopy on Monday - they found some small polyps and those should be okay.  We're just waiting on pathology to confirm. Still stressful to go through the prep, and the wait for results when they find something.
*Just life in general.  The ups and downs of depression and anxiety.  Real fun to deal with . NOT!


Anywho, I'll be okay, I always am.  Just know that I'm treading water as fast as I can, and it's quite tiring.  It's almost hunting season and I'm really looking for that solace I find in the woods.  Looking at the beauty of nature all around me, the sounds, the clean air - it's all so relaxing and refreshing.  Roughly 2 months til bow season. Woot woot!