Monday, March 31, 2014

This is hard, but here we go....

I saw this posted on Facebook the other day, and shared it (click on the link to read the article if you haven't already seen it elsewhere - the link is safe).  I think I've pulled this very prank on Facebook or MySpace in the past, not necessarily for April Fools day, but just in general.  I never thought about it being offensive to anyone until I saw this post.  And now I know personally how it strikes home.

See, I've been trying to get pregnant since Brian returned from his deployment at the end of September 2012.  This isn't something I've shared with many people, as I didn't really want to get the "oh you're too old to be having babies" and the "I can't believe you want to start over again, you've almost got Steven out of the house", etc.  It's something we've wanted and have tried to do, but apparently it's just not meant to be for us.  The doctor said that while it appears that I have plenty of eggs, am still ovulating and my cycles are still like clock work, the quality of my eggs due to age is most likely the contributing factor to no pregnancy yet, and I am also probably starting up with the "peri-menopause".  I imagine the adenomyosis is playing a part in things, too.  She offered to refer me to a specialist, but after telling me that they would likely give me drugs to make me hyper-ovulate, harvest the eggs, pick the best ones (if any were viable), and go the IVF route,  I told her that's not a route I wanted to take, that if it was meant to be, it would happen the good old-fashioned (& fun!) natural way.

Talk about making a girl feel OLD. 

I don't know what bothers me more - the fact that I will not have another child, or the fact that I'm realizing that my body is getting OLD. 

So, I go to work after seeing the doctor Thursday, not realizing how much her words would weigh on my heart and my mind.  Fought tears all day long.  I messaged Brian to tell him what she said, and thankfully he didn't call me to discuss it further, I don't think I could have held myself together.  I had to carefully calculate what to say to a couple of coworkers that I share things with, so that I could manage telling them and still maintain composure, and I managed okay.  But I got home, had dinner, and went straight to sleep on the couch.  I didn't want to deal with it.

When I woke up around 11pm and decided to peruse Facebook before crashing for the night, there were a ton of photos of beautiful pregnant women, babies, posts about folks waiting to go into labor - it was like Facebook was rubbing it in my face and torturing me with something I can't have that I've so desperately wanted for the last year and a half.  I had myself a good cry, talked to Brian about it, and then we went to sleep.

I'm sharing here because I would love for people to stop pranking others about fake pregnancies.  It really can be hurtful and offensive to some people.  You won't lose my friendship if you choose to do it anyway, but just think about how your words and/or actions may affect others.

I'm not sharing here to get sympathy, or be inundated with comments, emails, private messages, phone calls or texts.  I don't mind the comments here, but please - don't email me or send me messages or call me about this.  I'm still processing it, and it's still very raw and I'm pretty emotional at times over it.  And for the love of all things sacred - DON'T message me to tell me anything negative about why it's good that I'm not pregnant, or that I shouldn't want to be.  That might be your opinion, but I don't want to hear it.

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