Monday, March 5, 2012

What's worse?

What's worse, saying something and wishing you hadn't, or saying nothing and wishing you had?

That's kind of like "open mouth, insert foot", isn't it? I hate it when you're in one of those situations where something needs to be said, but dammit when you say it, it's either taken the wrong way, or doesn't have the desired effect. I've been in that situation twice now in the last 4 days.

First time was Friday and the blog I wrote. I never dreamed my mother would read my blog, and I certainly did not intend to make her sound like she is a horrible person. She is not a horrible person at all. I think parents lay the guilt trip on their kids to make them behave or act in certain ways, but some, like me, take it to the extreme and worry over every little thing, whether it's right or wrong or going to please their parents.

I know there are many times I have agonized over a decision, worrying about what my mother will think, or my grandmother, or someone else. I think I've gotten somewhat better about that over the past several years, as I realize I have to live to make myself happy, and ultimately no one else. Yes of course, I have to be cognizant of how my decisions affect my husband and my son, but ultimately I am responsible for my happiness, and no one else.

I shared this issue with everyone, hoping that someone would offer me some advice on how to get over this "guilt" problem that I have, but alas, I didn't get the magic answer I thought I might get, and I hurt my mother in the process, which was never my intention.

The other situation was today, but I don't want to go into details, other than to say I'm not really sure how things rolled into the blow-up that they did (this wasn't with my mother). It started out in fun, sort of, then just ran out of control into something pretty ugly. Neither of us felt like our points were being understood, and I am of the ilk that I have a desperate need for my side to be understood, and I tend to repeat myself, hoping the other person will acknowledge and understand my point.

I feel now like I just never should have said anything, but I know what I was thinking would have festered until it blew up and ended up a lot worse than it was today. I just wish things had been resolved differently, as there was no reason for it to go the way that it did.

I can't explain it (well, actually I can), but there are so many situations, with only a very few people, that I feel like I should be an open book to regarding my feelings. I just find it so very difficult to actually be that open book with them sometimes, as I don't like confrontation or conflict, and I feel that many times sharing what I'm thinking or feeling will lead to conflict.

Plus, with PMS, I sometimes doubt whether or not I should say anything when something bothers me, as I don't know whether it's bothering me because I'm hormonal, or if it's something that would not normally bother me otherwise. With those lovely hormones, I know I take things a lot more personally than they are probably meant, and many times I am a lot bolder when I'm bolstered by those lovely hormones, which can lead to me responding in a way that perhaps I shouldn't.

So, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't - if I say nothing, it will drive me nuts. If I say something, I risk saying the wrong thing, or creating an unneccessary conflict. I just can't win for losing.

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