Determination

Determination is sometimes hard to come by.  I've pledged to lose weight, to work out, to watch my diet many times over the years, and I've always failed.  Yeah, I'd stick with it for a while, but I always gave up eventually, or just got lazy and didn't continue doing what I needed to do to keep losing, or to maintain my weight loss.  More than once.  Like, maybe....3-4 times I've lost a bunch of weight, once even getting down to a place where I should have been very happy with my results, but alas, I didn't think I was thin enough.

I realize that no matter what I weigh, I will likely never be happy with my body.  Some of you  may think that I can, and maybe, perhaps one day, I will come to accept my body, scars, stretch marks, flaws and all, and be happy with it regardless of what size I am.  I really cannot recall a time in my life when I was happy with my body, not since I became aware that I was larger than the average girl.  That would have been around 5th grade or so, when I became aware that I was different than most of the other girls, and it really started bothering me in junior high.  I go back and look at those photos from junior high and think "damn, I thought I was fat?!"  Makes me think of that body dismorphic disorder, or whatever it's called. 

Maybe others feel that way - seeing themselves as larger than they are.  I've seen myself that way since then.  And it also works in the other direction for me - there are many times when I'm on the heavier side that I actually think I'm smaller than I am.  How the hell that happens, I have not a clue.

Now, it's not so much about my looks or my weight, other than how it relates to my health.  Too much weight increases your risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and so many other things. The one positive in being heavier is that it strengthens your bones, and makes your risk of osteoporosis lower somewhat.  With my family history on both sides, I have to worry about the heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.  I already have the high blood pressure (thankfully controlled with meds, and while unmedicated, would be considered as borderline), and now I'm worried that I'm even closer to the diabetes diagnosis due to my recent sugar test that put me just ever so slightly above the high end of normal, and a yeast infection that I've recently acquired on my skin - yes, my SKIN.  I know our skin is covered with assorted bacteria and yeast, I just never dreamed I'd get a yeast infection on my skin.  A week of antifugal cream and all should be well with that.

Anyways - I'm pledging to keep up the workouts.  I've averaged 4 days a week at the gym, walking on the treadmill, and I've walked a minimum of 3 miles each of the days I've gone to the gym for the last 2 weeks.  It's so hard sometimes, to be motivated to go.  Today, I really wanted to come home after work and take a nap and just skip the gym, but I've made this promise to myself that I will go to the gym every day that I can. And I've promised myself that I will walk a minimum of 3 miles each time I get on the treadmill.  Some days, like today, it's hard not to quit after 2 miles, or after I've hit the 10k steps mark.  My foot that was operated on 5 years ago was bothering me - felt like it needed to pop, but wouldn't.  I tried shaking it out while I was walking, and that didn't really work, but I just focused and kept going.  My legs were so tired when I got started, and were really tired when I was done, but I'm pleased that I made it 3 miles today.

So to restate it - I pledge to myself to keep up the workouts, to walk a minimum of 3 miles each time I get on the treadmill, to keep up the 10k steps per day - to do the best I can to be active every single day that I'm physically able to be.  This is for me, and for me only.  My life may very well depend on it.