I've seen other people use this word to describe themselves in the past, and have made fun of it, laughed about it, even thought it was ridiculous. Knowing the situation(s) that "broke" them, is why I thought about their self-proclamation in the way that I did at the time.
But now I have to suck it up and admit that I'm the broken one now. I have reached a breaking point, and I don't like it. I don't know how to fix it. I am a complete and total emotional wreck. I am stressed out to the max, and don't know how much more I can take.
What has led to this point is really irrelevant. Some of it is being handled, some isn't and can't be, and some needs to be but isn't, for one reason or another.
I awoke with this imminent sense of dread today, not wanting to go to work, but knowing that if I miss a day that it just puts me farther behind from being able to catch up. I honestly wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the day. Without going into details I ended up reaching my breaking point at the office. I honestly didn't think that I'd be able to finish the day.
And now today, Friday January 20 -
I stopped writing last night because I wasn't sure that I wanted to post this, and I didn't know how to finish it. But I have decided today that I wanted to finish this, and share my weakness with the world. If you think less of me because I am human, I have weaknesses, insecurities, and personal hang-ups about things, then so be it. But until you've walked a mile in my shoes and have experienced the things that I have experienced in life, then don't judge me.
I saw the picture above online yesterday as well, and felt it was almost speaking directly to me. I know I am not alone in the world, and with the things that I deal with. I woke up in a much better frame of mind today than I did yesterday, although I still have a way to go to get to where I want to feel. It all comes to putting things in perspective, and realizing what to worry about, what or who to trust, and what to just let go.
My life is what it is, good, bad or indifferent. Learning to not sweat the small stuff, the inconveniences of life, takes some work - more sometimes than others. Learning to deal with the bigger, more important things, basically takes trial and error. I question my judgement sometimes, on what is a 'big' issue, and what isn't such a big deal.
There is a thing or two that I'm dealing with that I consider to be a pretty big damn deal, but it seems that others may not think it's as big of an issue that I feel these things to be. When you don't see eye to eye with someone regarding how important something is, it causes conflict. I don't always share these feelings with the person with whom I disagree with, as I tend to hold things back, deep inside of me, until I can't take it anymore and it just all comes bubbling out. So the other person doesn't see that it's a problem, until I end up exploding over it.
I know that's not a good thing for me to do, but I've tried to talk rationally, calmly, regarding my feelings about some specific circumstances, and the other person(s) just don't get my point, so I stop trying to explain myself, figuring I'll just agree to disagree, but it really pisses me off. Then my feelings get bottled up, and I end up resentful and more angry than I started off.
Anyways, that's it for now - I'm feeling better tonight than I did yesterday, but I still have a ways to go to get to where I want to be emotionally. I have a LOT to get done this weekend, as I anticipate some major changes coming soon that will be wonderful. I hope you all have a great weekend!
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