Self-Esteem

So tonight I came across a "flair" on Facebook - it says :  "I have a problem with low self-esteem which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am".  I chose to post that to my wall but I didn't offer an explanation as to what that particular flair means to me.  I think by sharing my feelings on this, I am possibly opening myself up for more than I may want to hear from some of you, but here goes anyway.

I have always had issues with self-esteem, as far back as 3rd grade or so.  Even when I wasn't overweight, I always had it in my head that I was.  I go back sometimes and look at pictures from different periods in my life, and I remember thinking at that time "wow, I'm as big as a barn" or whatever negative thought about myself, and when I see the pictures from that time period, I realize that I had a really warped sense of self in the past.

And people are so freaking cruel sometimes.  I've been picked on for various reasons having to do with my appearance over the years, mostly due to being overweight, and back in junior high school to having bigger boobs than anyone else.  The big boobs comments didn't bother me so much, but the weight comments did.  It sure is easy to criticize someone for their appearance, and kids just don't realize how much damage they do with the hateful comments that they make.

You'd think it would have been different in college, being that people are a few years older and perhaps have matured somewhat, but no, that wasn't the case.  I remember some of the comments that were made about me from people that were friends of the guy that I dated for so long in college, and yes, even he was guilty of saying things at times. 

Funny thing is - some of those very people aren't in the same shape that they were in back in college or high school, but other than mentioning that fact here in this blog, I won't mention it to them directly or in any other forum.  Why?  Because I'm sure it's something they are quite aware of.  Just like I knew back in school, be it junior or senior high, or college, that I was overweight.  I didn't need some cruel-hearted mean-ass jerk to point it out to me (and if any of you think I may be talking about you - it's not necessary to contact me to apologize - a lot of time is passed and I have forgiven anyone who has said mean things to me in the past). 

I know why people pick on others - because they are usually lacking something in the self-esteem department themselves and they do it to make themselves somehow feel better.  I've been guilty of doing it myself when I've been feeling bad about myself or something going on in my life - there is a momentary sick kind of pleasure in being mean and getting a rise out of someone, but then the guilt sets in (at least for me) because it's not right to do. 

The point of this blog is not to point the blame to others for how I feel about myself today.  I am responsible for that.  No one any longer has the power over me to make me feel bad about myself, only I have that power.  And I've been struggling with it lately.  No one has said or done anything to make me feel this way - it is all me.  I am so very happy to have a husband that loves me just the way I am, and who couldn't care less if I gained 20lbs or lost 20lbs. 

Making it to the gym is hard for me....to see the other people that are in shape, that are making better progress at getting in shape than I am.  What should be an uplifting experience for me and give me energy and encouragement, usually ends up taking the wind out of my sails and I feel like I'm just sinking further into the abyss of suck-ass self-esteem.  But, I keep plugging on at it, encouraging my son to go with us and trying to set a good example for him to keep at it, and encouraging some of my friends that are having the same sinking self-esteem feelings that I have.  It just really sucks to leave the gym feeling down in the dumps, from thinking about how far I have to go to reach my goals.

Speaking of my son - thank God he has a great metabolism and is growing up and not out.  He's actually lost 10-15lbs over the last year, but has gotten about 4 inches taller.  The shorts he wore to school a year ago are now way too big and will fall off his waist without a belt.  Even with the great metabolism, that could always slow down at any time, so that is why I am trying to encourage him to get into the exercise habit now. 

It would have been so much easier for me had I been encouraged to exercise at his age.  I made efforts in college to exercise - took swimming classes, aerobics, and even lifted weights with some of my friends.  I tried the Jane Fonda step aerobics when that hit the market after I finished college - that was some fun stuff, and hard!  I think I still have the videotape somewhere - that would be funny to try to do today!

Before any of you go commenting on here, or emailing or calling me - I know I have a lot of positives in my life.  I know looks aren't everything.  I'm not worried about my weight so much because of my looks, but because of my health.  There are some serious health issues on all sides of my family, and I really feel like I should be getting a handle on my weight now, as a lot of these issues have excess weight as a risk factor.  But I won't lie to you, either - I would love to fit back into a 10 or a 12 again.  And once I get my head on straight with all this, I will eventually get there.  I just gotta keep moving.....50lbs down, 50lbs to go......